


Tiffin's Story

by DoIwakeorsleep



Category: Forbidden - Fandom, Forbidden - Tabitha Suzuma
Genre: F/M, Incest, Oral Sex, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-06-03 23:02:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6630589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoIwakeorsleep/pseuds/DoIwakeorsleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An Extension to What Ithaca Means...that has to be read first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I remember when I was about 9 or 10 getting a bit fed up with how much time Lochie was starting to spend with Maya. I couldn't imagine spending that much time with Willa. Kit was always busy with his friends but Lochie used to be with us a lot of time, playing board games, taking us to the park, he had done that for years, even when mum was around. So I noticed when he and Maya started to be together a lot more. I still used to tell my friends how cool he was though. It was like having a dad, because I felt looked after, cared for, but it was better because he really understood us. He made everything fun too because I guess we all did things he liked to do, things he cared about. It wasn't that long ago that he was my age, he was just fun to be with, he knew what kids liked to do. But I did know not all brothers were like that. Kit got on my nerves sometimes. We'd fight, tease each other. Not much, because Lochie wouldn't allow it, but just all the usual stuff. But Lochie was just so focused on us, I know I took advantage. Anything I needed him to do, he would do it. He would always arrange taxis for us to go to football if I couldn't sort it out with a friend. He never missed a match. He bought me all the right kit. People at school used to think we were well off. Once I asked him to get me a new Arsenal top because I had lost mine, but I hadn't really, I just wanted to give it to a mate whose dad had two Jaguars, to impress him. Lochie got it for me at the weekend. I felt really bad about that. I guess I knew even then that Lochie would do anything for me.

So I didn't like it when Maya and Lochie would spend so much time together. Always looking at each other in a way I didn't recognise. Sometimes they didn't notice me looking at them. I asked Kit once why Lochie and Maya were always together and if he ever held hands with Maya like Lochie did but he just said he had never seen them hold hands anyway. I thought that was strange because I knew they often did.

Maya was still pretty much the same. Moaning at me for flooding the shower, coming into my room to tell me to tidy up, yet having the messiest room in the house herself. But I didn't mind. I knew she looked after me too. And she wasn't like all the other really fashionable girls I saw going to 6 th form. She looked better than anyone but she didn't hang around with the cool jerks. Mainly she just brought her friend Frankie - a girl- round. I just knew none of the boys were good enough for her. 

I think I really had a happy childhood, with Lochie in charge, things became less unpredictable then. I missed mum for quite a long time, but Maya understood that. She would come and sit with me at bedtime and just ask me to talk about my day, so that soon got better. I remember thinking it was funny that Lochie and Maya went to bed at the same time. I knew that because they were really strict about bedtime. They would say I had to get all my homework done when I started at secondary school by 10 pm. Sometimes it was hard to do that, but whenever I suddenly remembered a test or anything later, and needed help if they were already in their rooms, they would never answer their doors. Once or twice Maya would burst out of her room if I really pleaded but she was cross so I soon knew not to bother her. Lochie never made a sound in his room. He must sleep like a log I thought.

I'm not sure when I thought there was something different about Lochie and Maya. I think when Kit moved out to live with his girlfriend I said to myself I hope Maya doesn't get a boyfriend and leave, or Lochie has a girlfriend. But I thought, they never would, they couldn't be apart from each other. Strangely, I felt happy about that, that meant our way of life was secure. I didn't really like it when Maya started having boyfriends over, I don't know why. It just seemed different. And she never talked about them like she even liked them. And Lochie was in a terrible mood that whole time. I knew something was wrong. It really was like they had broken up. I guess that's when there was just a glimmer of understanding. Well not understanding. I couldn't understand it. So that's when I thought Lochie must be gay. Maybe he liked some of the men Maya was bringing home. I don't know, I was just confused.

Then everything happened so quickly. Maya was ill, Lochie came back from Sydney. They both wore rings and they looked at each other as if each were perfect, absolutely perfect in each other's eyes. Our home life got back to normal. Everyone was happy. There was nothing I needed to know. I must have been about 13 then. I know absolutely at that point I only thought of Maya as my sister. Nothing else at all. We had fun together, we liked the same things on TV, Red Dwarf, Flight of the Choncords. We had the same taste in music even then a lot of the time, though she liked a lot of rubbish too. Lochie hadn't had quite so much time to spend with us when he was at university, so I did spend more time with Maya at that time. She was really important to me, and I knew she gave up things for me. She used to be really good at art, but instead she had waited to go to university. I promised myself, I would never forget that


	2. Chapter 2

I had been looking forward to moving to Sydney for a long time, but as it approached, I dreaded it. I was popular at school, but a lot if it was front. Inside, I hated things like mingling with people I didn't know. I thought I know nothing about Australia. I can't surf. I have an English accent. I will hate it. But I didn't want to tell Maya and Lochie. They seemed so happy. Maya in particular, it was like she was lit up with excitement. It was around that time I saw them in the kitchen together, just talking, but then Maya put her hands on Lochie's waist and she looked up at him. I pushed the door to the kitchen strongly so it banged against the fridge just so that whatever was going to happen next wouldn't happen. I guess I did know.

I wish it had been Maya that had told me about their relationship - she understood me more. Lochie's whole demeanour seemed like he felt guilty about it. Maya probably would have started out with a joke, eased the tension. I guess that's easy to say with hindsight. I didn't want to believe it. I knew it was wrong. I wanted Maya to tell me it wasn't true. I couldn't help but picture them together, and straightaway I thought Lochie must be hurting her. But that couldn't be true because of the way they looked at each other. I didn't know what to think. I felt sick. It's strange how things turned out in the end. I felt so angry about it because Lochie and Maya brought me up completely innocently. They must have never insinuated that there was another way to live, that their way of living was right. But I guess once I thought about it I decided it was good for me too. Lochie blamed himself for many things that I did, when in fact it was just me.

When I was at school, I wasn't promiscuous. I didn't know what my feelings for Maya were. I had a couple of girlfriends, Cody and Grace, and as well as them I had sex with a few girls casually but I hadn't had sex with more than 5 girls by the time I finished school, which wasn't many at all, compared to my friends, if I believed what they said. I think it was in my final year of school that I really tried to reconcile things with Lochie and me. I think I began to realise that what he and Maya had was only good. I couldn't see what was wrong with it for them, I knew they were good people. I just tried to convince myself they were not related. But that didn't work, we were a close family, I knew that. Then I tried to see things from Lochie's perspective because I missed him. I wanted to be friends again. Of course I already knew Maya was beautiful. Everyone did. But then I tried to see her as a sexual being like my friends did, like Lochie did. And it was very, very easy. I started to have dreams about her. Then my waking thoughts were about her too. I knew I was just a boy, it was stupid. But I had to stop going to the beach with her. I would just fantasise about seeing her completely naked whenever she was in a bikini. Then it got worse. I found it was awkward being in the house with her. I was so conscious of being around her. I watched her just as she was walking round the house. Once Lochie started coming round to the bungalow again I was envious every time he put his arm round her, every time he kissed her. I wanted to be able to do that to her too. They were so happy and relaxed together. I guess I had no other experience of a relationship like that. No mother or father. Relationships for people at school were just about oneupmanship. With my girlfriends it had always been fiery, temporary. But Lochie and Maya were so tactile together I could imagine them having great sex, yet there was this absolute calm about them too, because they knew everything about each other. I really wanted that. Maya didn't know anything about this. So when we watched a movie together on a Thursday when she used to stay over without Lochie I used to love it when she would fall asleep with her head on my chest. But one day when she did that I couldn't help but run my hand through her hair. I had always thought it was special. But I had never touched it like that before. It was an incredible turn on, and I felt my cock get hard. Maya just murmured something I couldn't understand, she smiled in her sleep and said 'Darling....' and I felt I was ready to come right then. I was 18. She was 26. I loved her already. So I knew I had to leave.

After my final exam, I packed up a small bag of belongings. I told Maya and Lochie that I was going for three months. But in my mind I was never going to come back. I had just about got my head round Lochie and Maya being together, as much as I could. But I just couldn't deal with my own thoughts. I didn't tell anyone. Not Even Kit who had helped me quite a lot already. I did feel dirty and ashamed. I became quite promiscuous. It was easy to do, when I worked on farms and vineyards there were always big groups of students. Most people slept around a lot I guess. I wasn't really into threesomes or sex parties because every time I had sex I would think of Maya and I didn't want to imagine her in those situations. But I did get involved in them sometimes, so my tally of women went up and up. The most women I partied with in one night was 4, it certainly provided a rush that filled something that was missing within me. But all I wanted was to be at home with Maya and I thought if I could just stop feeling like this I could get back to her. I didn't really want all those one night stands even then. But I knew I was a very sexual person, and I couldn't shut out those thoughts. So to help me I turned to drink. That lead to fights, and more casual sex. I was spinning out of control. I had one friend who covered some missed shifts for me at one of the vineyards. I didn't know him well, but he was a good person. I had told him my mother was an alcoholic and he said I had to stop drinking before it got worse. I managed to get on a programme for addicted teens and it did help for a bit, and after that I went home for the first time in months. I thought I would be okay. But as soon as I saw Maya I knew I hadn't changed. She was so good to me, fussed over me, loved me like a sister should do. But I wanted more so I left again. I fell back into drinking quite soon after. I don't know where I was heading. I tried going home again, it was just after mum died and I felt so angry with myself because I would have liked to have said goodbye, but no one could find me in time. So Maya saw I was down and tried to comfort me. I loved being in her arms. I think I lasted a month before I had to leave - next time I was away much longer. One day Kit called me and said he had some news for me, I might not like it but it was good. He told me Lochie and Maya had a beautiful healthy baby girl. I was so happy for Maya. I knew she said she wanted to have a baby, she wanted to be a mum so much. But she had said she would only use donor sperm and couldn't imagine carrying another man's baby yet, when she loved Lochie so much. She had all the feelings of wanting a child with him, yet couldn't do it. But by some miracle they had a healthy child. I was so pleased for them. But imagining her as a mother, so complete, I wanted her even more. So though she begged me to come back, I wouldn't. But I knew it was an anxious time for her and Lochie, in case of discovery. I let her think I still struggled with the idea of her and Lochie but it wasn't that. But I told her if she needed me, really needed me, I would come back. I don't know if she understood, maybe she didn't believe me, but I wanted to take care of her even then - I was barely 20. 

I stayed away, yet still I kept thinking if I had sex with Maya it would be for love. But I told myself I would never have that. So I continued to have lots and lots of sex with other women. I liked the physical side of it and aimed to be the best lover I could be. When I had the chance I was drawn to older women who reminded me of Maya, those who were 10 years older than me. I found they had more confidence, were less showy and more tender, so if I saw anyone more than once it was usually someone like that. But the numbers of women I had sex with kept mounting and I realised what I was trying to do. I wanted to make myself feel cheap and dirty because of the sheer numbers of women I fucked. Then by comparison loving my sister tenderly, deeply, passionately wasn't so bad. Maybe I could forgive myself,maybe then Incould go home. But that was a long way away, and I wound up in rehab again.

I came out of rehab and started to work on building sites. It was harder work. There was less partying because I was working alongside different types of people. Yes there were lads like me but there were family men too, doing their steady work. I preferred it. I felt I had found something I was good at. I got on well with the supervisors even when I was new to it. I think they could see I was focused. I never slacked, would work through lunches - sometimes I had to be told to take a break. I was often the last to leave. I wanted to hit the pillow exhausted by my work. I still took lovers occasionally, but I was quite happy to sleep alone. I felt I was getting better, and that meant I could go back home, back to Maya. 

So it must have been about around 2 years since I last returned. Lochie and Maya had a son, Aran now who was a couple of months, as well as Freya who was probably 18 months old. I had photos of them both on my phone, but I had never met them. I had stopped by briefly after mum died. I'd been in rehab when they had tried to get hold of me to say goodbye to her, and so I hadn't been able to go. I really regretted that - she was my mother, after all. I phoned Willa and when I told her I would be home the next day she couldn't believe it. She was very sorry, but said she wouldn't be home till evening but said Maya would be delighted, she would meet me. But I asked her not to tell anyone, just to leave a key out for me, I didn't want a welcoming party.

In the end the first place I headed to was Lochie and Maya's flat. I had hardly ever been there. After we arrived and I found out about them I didn't want to visit them. So I thought it would be symbolic if I showed up there, they would know it was all okay. But they weren't in, and a neighbour said they were moving. I didn't have the new address, I called but no one picked up, so I just guessed they were busy. I went back to the bungalow, retrieved the key Willa had left out for me and stepped back inside my old home. It was a strange feeling. I had popped back briefly here and there over two years ago, but this time I wanted to stay. 

I was half expecting my bedroom not to exist anymore, I had been gone so long. I thought Willa may be using it as a dumping ground or a study. I thought it could be locked up, things covered with dust. But when I went in, the room was just as I left it. I dragged a finger across the surface of a table, not a trace of dust. Stacked on a desk was some post addressed to me, hardly any of it would be relevant any more, it was up to 2 years old. Next to it was a pile of cuttings, some beginning to fade, of rock bands I used to like, film stars I used to have a crush on and funny news stories. I knew who had kept the room nicely for me. I knew who had collected the clippings from magazines. In some way, Maya had been thinking of me all this time too. But when I looked at some of the dates on the cuttings I could see she had stopped collecting them about 6 months ago. I was so desperate to see her, just as my sister. I wished I had never had those thoughts about her. I wish I had never left.

I hadn't brought many clothes back with me, and everything I had needed a wash. I had a shower and wrapped a towel round my waist. I rummaged through my wardrobe and drawers but everything was too small. I hadn't realised how much taller and broader I had become. I seldom had time to go to the gym. The definition on my arms and chest was just from the work I did. I couldn't remember the last time I looked in a mirror at my body, but I was pleased with what I saw. I had left this place a boy, I was a man now. I had to go into Kit's room to find anything that would fit me, and just chose some jeans and a white t shirt. I had a short kip on my bed, hoping Willa would be back, but when she wasn't I called Lochie and Kit, but didn't get an answer. I didn't want to speak to Maya yet. 

It was about 8 pm so I thought I would go and visit Dad, get that out of the way so I could spend more time with my brothers and sisters. It was only a 10 minute walk, I took my time. It was a strange feeling going to visit a father you hardly know, but he had been okay with me the last two years I was here. We didn't have much in common, but he was pleasant enough. I didn't even knock, when the door opened. He seemed flustered .

'Hello, Dad,' I said, 'It's me Tiffin, I'm back.'  
'Yes, yes,' he jabbered.  
'Are you alright?''  
He tried to step out the door towards me, pulling the door behind him.  
'Yes, I have just come in, I'm going out....'  
'Dad are you sure you are okay? What's that noise?' I could hear crying in the background. 'Dad what's going on?'  
My father just stood there and I pushed past. Standing in the living room was a little toddler. A pretty little toddler with auburn hair and grey eyes. She was sobbing, taking in deep breaths, she was red in the face, which was dirty, tears leaving tracks down her cheeks. I knew who she was. I bent down to her level, just a step or two away. I held out my arms to her, I didn't want to frighten her. She hesitated only briefly then wobbled over to me burying her face on my shoulder. I picked her up and rubbed her back. Her crying began to calm down though she still gulped air intermittently. I knew who she was and I loved her immediately. I knew why she trusted me, I looked so similar to her father, for I knew this was Maya and Lochie's little girl.   
I almost didn't want to ask my father what had happened. I could only assume there had been a terrible accident. That would explain why no one was here, no one was picking up the phone, why my father didn't know if he was coming or going, why this darling child was crying so intently.. I didn't want to ask, but I had to. If anything had happened to my siblings, to Maya, I don't think I could go on. I already thought maybe I was being punished for loving her the way I did. But I had to ask, and my father actually seemed relieved to tell me. He told me about the whole sorry mess he'd got himself into. I can't say I'm sorry I knocked him out. I'm just sorry Freya saw it. He said did we all fuck around? I felt he knew how I felt about Maya. I didn't want anyone to know. So I just hit him and hit him. It was only Freya being there that made me stop. I picked her up, even then she still trusted me. I sat her on my lap on the couch and just cradled and kissed her. I had a call from Willa, she was back at the bungalow and could see I had returned. I told her to come to me for Freya.

Eventually I got in touch with Kit, who filled me in a bit with what had happened during the day. He said he knew where Maya was heading and would meet her. No one could get in touch with Lochie so we just waited, his phone was dead. But I kept trying and around midnight he picked up the phone. He sounded exhausted. So I was glad that it was me who could tell him his little daughter was safe and well.

I thought Lochie would come for dad - I'm glad he didn't. He went to the bungalow to be with Freya. So it was Maya who came to dad's house. I had not seen her for over two years. She looked just the same to me as ever. She tried to smile at me, to thank me for what I had done to help her family, but she faltered and collapsed into my arms. It was then I realised the benefit of changing physically so much. I was so much bigger, taller than I had been when I had left. I drew her into my arms and just held her, I knew I could look after her now. I wanted to absorb all her pain and just add it to mine. I didn't want her to suffer at all, because I loved her. I think at that point I realised I wasn't going to change. I loved her in every way a brother should, and every way a lover should too.

I think it was Lochie's idea that I move in with them. I had been back in the bungalow for a few months. But Kit tended to spend most of his time at his girlfriend's and Willa was travelling for the summer, so most of the time I was alone. I had gone out with Maya and Lochie, been round to their house. So one day Lochie said to me 'Tiff, are we okay now?'  
'Yes Lochie, I don't have any problem with you and Maya now, I've worked through that.' I told him, and of course it was true.  
'Are you sure?'  
'I think so....I guess it was difficult, but yes I feel comfortable around you... You love each other, that's all it is '  
'Yes, Tiffin that's it exactly. I love Maya, she loves me....' He continued but I still got the feeling he didn't want to talk about it. And neither did I because if anything I had treated Lochie unfairly. When I found out about them my only knowledge about incest was probably from jibes at school directed at anyone, as an insult. So I has a negative perception and no understanding of it at all. But if my disdain had been based on principle I should have treated Maya and Lochie the same, but I didn't. I wanted to punish Lochie because I felt he acted differently to how he expected us to act. He always told us, me, Kit, Willa that we had to have integrity, do the right thing, and I felt his relationship with Maya meant that he excused himself from those rules. It was only later that I thought he did have integrity - he loved the woman he did despite the world's prejudice, he did the right thing for her in spite of all the difficulties they faced. It couldn't have been easy for them at all. And seeing them now with children of their own I could see what a happy home they had created and I was sincerely pleased for them.

That realisation had come a long time after my rejection of Lochie. I don't know how he put up with me to be honest. I was such a pain. I made all the rules. He couldn't come to the bungalow. He had to meet Willa somewhere else. He could come if I wasn't in the house. He couldn't stay over. Everything I said he had to do, he did. What made it worse was that I never put any restrictions on Maya at all, when she of course was equally responsible, I soon accepted, for their relationship. Maybe even then I wanted to separate them, as because I banned Lochie from the bungalow she would spend evenings with us, with me away from Lochie and I got used to her company. I think that's when Maya took more interest in me. She talked to me as if I was older, having conversations about my feelings about things and I think she was grateful that I had not rejected her too. But I don't think it was any of that which made me feel differently towards her. It was more that once my eyes had been opened to the idea of incest and I saw that Maya and Lochie were probably the most devoted couple I had ever seen, I saw that as an ideal for me to aspire too. I guess it's like if someone said they enjoyed throwing them self off a bridge tied to a rope you might think they are nuts but then when you learn a bit more about bungee jumping you might decide to have a go yourself. And because I already thought Maya was beautiful and just perfect I decided I wanted a go quite soon. I would no more have a relationship like that with Willa than I would with Kit. That was just not a possibility. But Maya was already special to me so it wasn't difficult to nurture those feelings then.

But when I had been away since I was 18, apart from some brief visits I only returned when I thought I had put that behind me. But I knew deep down the feelings I had were so intense, but I had to try. I didn't want to leave again. I craved family life.So I was really keen to spend as much time with Lochie as I could, to show him I was sorry. However having worked flat out for years I was in no rush to seek employment when I returned. Maya stayed at home with the kids, I was at home with Maya. I revelled in that domesticity. My feelings for her flooded back. I only kept things contained out of respect for Lochie and the children, but it was very difficult to do that. Lochie has always been the sensible one out of the two, older than his years. He was comfortable dealing with teachers and my friends' parents. He was the one who had always made the rules and enforced them. Maya was frivolous, spontaneous and affectionate. She would take my hand, or Kit and Willa, and hold it unconsciously. She would run her hand through my hair and say 'Tell me about your day...' and really listen to me. If I was sitting on the sofa and both Freya and Aran were having a sleep I could easily persuade her to have a nap in the afternoon sitting with me if Aran had kept her up all night. In fact I encouraged her to do it. Because I liked to keep her close. Yet I kept trying to convince myself it wasn't sexual, brothers and sisters do this. I wonder when she thought to question our closeness too. I think for her, it came much later.

I had intended to stay with Maya and Lochie for as long as they would let me. It was like we were a family again. I liked all the things we did. I spent a lot of time with Maya. Sometimes I'd go with her to the park with the kids, wearing a sling for Aran, and Maya pushing Freya in the buggy, or vice versa. I would take Maya by the hand and she would smile at me. I knew what I was doing, but I don't think she did. I was trying to get enough from her without it becoming too obvious or sexual. I just wanted to be special to her. I spent a lot of time with Lochie too, and with the kids. That really helped me focus on them as a family as much as I could which was good. Sometimes it was as if I forgot Freya and Aran were their children because the whole idea of that would have been impossible to comprehend before. In a way I thought of them as being my brother and sister, not Maya and Lochie's children, but I really tried hard to think of them as a family because they were happy together. I didn't want to lose them and I didn't want to break them up.

To cope, whenever I did find myself thinking of Maya in the wrong way I would drink or get in a fight, or sometimes both. I deliberately got in fights as I wanted to feel that vital pain. But that backfired because Maya would always want to nurse me and I really liked that. So I began to encourage Maya to sit closer to me, see what I could get away with, and I think she liked it. I thought it was okay, I could live with that. Holding her, loving her, kissing her, just on the lips, her cheeks. I shouldn't have done it but it was difficult, Maya was so attentive to me. She was everything I thought a woman should be: beautiful, sexy, kind, intelligent, funny. No wonder I couldn't find any one else. When I went out with Lochie and Maya to a bar or something I really tried to act normally and chat to other women, but I almost felt like it was disrespectful to Maya because she was still all I wanted. So I organised a job in Perth, for a schools project, but I hadn't said yes yet, as I didn't really want to leave. But one Sunday we had a really good day altogether. I guess I monopolised Maya a bit, but I think Lochie just really relaxed when he wasn't working, he was a very even tempered man, very much into his kids, and I admired him for that. He was really into this idea that we were a big happy family because he had put so much into looking after us since he was a child himself. So I think he turned a blind eye to things going on in front of him. He wanted to see everything as being okay. So if I sat on the sofa holding Maya's hand he might just say something like 'I'm glad you're back Tiff, don't go away like that again.' Because he knew Maya had missed me. So I guess I just took advantage of his good nature. 

On this particular day I really got to be with Maya a lot, and I almost thought maybe she was beginning to let me do more with her, just physically I think there was beginning to be some sensuality in the way she looked at me and I almost thought I could maybe talk to her about it, but I didn't want to ruin what we had. She would sit on my lap and talk to me, we lay down and looked at the stars together. To me it felt romantic, the start of something. I felt a connection to her but I wanted more. I took every opportunity I could to touch her, to hold her but it wasn't enough. There was something in the way Maya leapt from my arms when Lochie returned that made me think she didn't want him to see us like that that made me hope I was just imagining a change. And there was something in the way Lochie addressed us that made me think he was uncomfortable with our displays of affection. I didn't want to hurt Lochie, but I needed more from Maya. 

That evening when I was tidying up the garden and Maya and Lochie went inside I sat out a bit longer and because their house is a bungalow more or less, I heard them, I heard the making love. I should have moved away but I didn't. I sat down next to their window and listened to all those carnal sounds. I heard him say Maya, I wished it was me saying that. I heard her call his name, I wished she was saying mine. I heard Maya gasp and moan and I absolutely knew that I wanted to be the one to do that for her. I thought about exactly how I could make her moan, make her come for me, just me. I sat underneath the window and cried because I felt I could never have a normal relationship, all I wanted was her. When they seemed to have finished, and it took ages, I went inside. I couldn't sleep so I just tidied up the kitchen, packed my bag and left for Perth. It was about 4 am when I left. I didn't know if I could come back, again.


	3. Chapter 3

It was lucky I had the Perth job set up as I went straight there after catching up with some friends in the city as I knew the job I had coming up was rural. I liked it because for the most part it was just me and one other guy working on renovating schools. I thought the timescales they had allotted for the jobs was tight, that often happens on public jobs, so I turned up early. It didn't matter to me, I had nothing better to do. I also thought I would have to put in longer days. That was fine by me too, when I'm employed I have a very good work ethic.  
The first job was the biggest. It was a school stuck in the middle of nowhere. The whole building needed renovating. The supplies we needed were already on site. We had to redo electrics, roofing, plumbing the lot. We had to rebuild some of the walls and verandas, as it was such aged wood. Most of the teaching would be done outside while we were working there. 

I arrived before the other guy, Roger. The population of the town was small, a couple of hundred people, but the school was the local one for many children living a long way away. There were about 50 pupils up to the age of 12, with two teachers and a secretary. The teachers weren't pleased that I had arrived early as I asked them to move things out, and didn't offer to help them. I thought they would have a caretaker to lift the heavy stuff, it was only later I found out they didn't, so helped them. I think they had thought I was a bit useless at first. When I got there I checked the inventory. Everything was there, but there was a double order on the wood. I knew it was more hassle to send it back so I asked the teachers if they wanted me to build anything for them in the play ground before I got started. There were two teachers there. One I was almost inclined to call by the name her pupils called her, Mrs Wallis. She was nice enough, a bit authoritarian, middle aged with tanned leathery skin from teaching out there for twenty years. She had grown up nearby. I wondered how much of the world she had seen herself. The other teacher I called Ms Mullaghan in front of her pupils but she asked me to call her Bonnie when the kids had gone home and she and I were still working. She had just started at the school and although she was just a few years older than me she was I could tell a confident teacher who got on well with the kids - and made them achieve something. She was naturally pretty, bright green Irish eyes, red hair that fell in natural waves and pale skin like Maya's with a few freckles. It was she who wanted an outdoor stage so I told her I could build that if there were any men who could help me with some of the larger uprights so she asked around and a couple of lads said they'd help. She drew me a picture and I showed her what I needed to change and she was okay with that. So I built the kids a theatre in a shady corner of the playground. I rigged up some tarpaulin for a roof and a simple pulley system for stage curtains in case they wanted that. I think I impressed her with what I could do and both the teachers were a lot nicer to me after that. 

I was bunking with a family in the town. It consisted of a grocery store, a hardware store, a post office and a bar. I thought I might go mad. Roger turned up, the guy I was working with. He was a good enough worker but not the sort of man I could talk to much, though I know how to bluff it. When we were working on the building when the kids had finished school the teachers, particularly Bonnie, would be around. I tried to redirect Roger's conversation around her because I thought it was inappropriate, quite a lot of innuendo and he was about 20 years older than her. But Bonnie seemed to like talking to me. She asked me a lot about myself and I told her all about my family, well as much as I could tell. Then I found myself looking forward to talking to her. 

I was still reeling from my discovery that I was never going to be able to put sexual thoughts about Maya out of my mind, so I think I was being very different to how I was around women usually. I was completely avoiding being laddish, charming, full of myself. I guess I was just being my natural self, which without any act is actually quite reserved. But I realised she liked me, and though I didn't encourage her I liked her too. She asked if I wanted to come out with her one weekend, she had a motorbike and I had use of a truck. We went to a watering hole and had a picnic. She didn't try to kiss me and I didn't try to kiss her. That was very unusual for me, especially in a town with absolutely nothing to do. I was a bit surprised that she asked me out again in the week, but I thought maybe there was nothing for her to do either. So we went out one evening and just walked about, talking. The next Saturday she asked if I wanted to go for a drive and I said we could use the truck but at the last minute Roger said he had to have it. So I said to Bonnie I had to call it off. But she said I could ride her motorbike if I liked and she would ride pillion, if I wanted. That was our best day together. I guess it was a date, all along I guess that's what we had been doing. But it was almost as if I was an innocent teenager. I hadn't even kissed her. But that day when she pressed herself against me wearing just a little floral tea dress - the kind of thing Maya wears, I could feel myself aroused by her. But I was much more conscious of her as a person, not just what I physically needed. So even on that day, it was only when I parked the bike back at hers that I kissed her, but that's all. She asked if I wanted to come in but I said no. I don't think I had ever said that to a woman I was attracted to in my life. But I think I thought if I have sex with her, working along side her on the rest of the project would be really awkward as we both are stuck in this small town. I don't think it occurred to me that it wouldn't be awkward, that we could have a proper adult relationship even if I was just there briefly. I was so used to one night stands and just not used to dealing with any of the emotions involved. I could see she looked rejected and to cover I said I had to meet Roger. I felt I was unconvincing because she didn't suggest a next time to meet, though of course I'd be working round her every day. So the next day, a Sunday, I went back to see her, I thought maybe I should at least say let's do something next week. But when I got to her house the door was open and there was a man there throwing things out of the door. He was shouting, and so was Bonnie. I tried to intervene, just because I could see Bonnie was upset and she had never mentioned another man before. That seemed to be the worst thing I could do.  
'So you are the new guy are you? Good luck with her. The bitch. You are welcome to her' He pulled a laptop from her hand, and she tried to get it back.  
I ignored what he had said.  
'Is this yours Bonnie?' I asked.  
'Yes' she replied.  
'Fuck off ,' the man intervened. 'I have come back for that. I have got some work on it. And some pretty good photos too haven't I Bonnie?' He seemed a real idiot. Well dressed but without any style at all. I thought he was rather weasley.  
I took the laptop from him. 'It says 'schools service' on here. So unless you work for the school, it's hers so you can fuck off. Don't come round here threatening and bullying women, you weak bastard. Bonnie doesn't like it and neither do I. Understand?' I knew I could say what I liked, he was no match for me.  
'Tiffin, don't worry, he's just going, he's just talking rubbish,' Bonnie said to me. 'Mark, you have got everything you came for, just go. The answer was and always will be, no.'  
He stumbled about in the dirt, gathered his stuff into his car his and left.  
'Are you okay Bonnie? I asked  
'Yes,' she said. 'He comes back every few months. I hope he's gone for good now... I'm sorry about what he said to you. I told him I was seeing someone else just to get rid of him. I didn't mean it...'  
'Didn't mean what?' I asked  
'That I'm seeing someone. That I'm seeing you..' she said lowering her eyes.  
'Oh, okay...' I replied. 'That's a shame. I guess I just got that wrong...'  
She looked at me and smiled. 'So you mean you do want to come in now, after all?'  
'If you still want me to...' I said. I don't think I'd ever been so coy.  
But I liked her leading me by the hand to her bedroom. And I liked making love to her too.

I tried to tell Bonnie as much about me as I could. I told her I lived with my brother and his wife and their kids, the same old story I had told for years. I think she could tell I missed them. She asked why I worked itinerantly, I couldn't really explain it to her. I guess I seemed a bit wounded and I have always found women like that. She asked me to move in with her sooner than was perhaps relevant for our relationship, but I didn't hesitate in saying yes. I liked her a lot, even more when I lived with her. I liked making myself useful when she was working in the evenings. I think she liked that about me - I would just fix things round the house for her without her asking me, and she didn't mind if I went out on her bike just to be alone when she had work to do. I guess I liked the domesticity and I think she liked having me around.

Sex with Bonnie was good too. I couldn't remember the last time I had been able to take into account what a woman actually wanted, needed, instead of just trying to put on my idea of a great sexual performance. At first I thought I could teach her a few things but then I decided not to so much. I didn't want to affect her confidence, and in a way I was learning new things too. She eventually told me she had only had 5 lovers, most of them for quite a while, the high school boyfriend, the university boyfriend. Mark was a teacher she had met at her last school, she had been with him for three months but regretted it. Any charm he may have had soon evaporated. She thought he had seemed interesting, but he was just self obsessed, so she ended it. That's partly why she took the rural job, that and having over bearing parents. But Mark had packed in teaching and just seemed to write blogs now. He had come to see her and she had taken him back briefly, and he didn't like it when she asked him to leave again. But I said she was well rid of him. He just wasn't good enough for her. I think she realised that too. We were becoming emotionally much closer, I could talk to her much more easily than with anyone else, except Maya. And our sex life was improving naturally as we got to know each other. I think that the more we were together the more Bonnie wanted to do for me and for herself too. It was interesting for me to see how things developed. I guess it was rewarding to know Bonnie cared about me, rather than just having sex for the sake of it. I thought I could get used to this. Sex was a lot different to all the one night stands I was used to - it was less about ego, hers or mine, less about creating a persona or instant gratification. It felt different, warmer, more tender and yes, better. I liked the way she moved her body with mine. I really enjoyed going down on her. She said some of her boyfriends hadn't done that for her, which surprised me. She trusted me completely though and I could make her come easily. But I also like toying with her, making her wait. I liked learning what she liked best and though she wasn't showy or theatrical I could tell what she enjoyed. It made me think that some of the women I had been with before had been faking. Making love to Bonnie was just warmer, more rewarding. She in return looked after my needs beautifully too. I really think we suited each other in many ways, not just sexually. Towards the end of my time with her I wondered if I what I felt was something to do with love. 

Bonnie asked quite soon if we could not use condoms. I wasn't going to complain. I told her that was okay with me, I told her I had had lots of lovers but played safe so it was okay for her even if I didn't use condoms and she used a cap. A few times though we had sex without it, if we were out on a picnic or something, but I just shrugged it off and so did she. Maybe we both just thought what will be will be. But even after we split up and I continued to call her for at least a month afterwards she didn't know she was pregnant, so that must have happened right near the end. Thank god it did. Thank god she kept the baby. Thank god I found them.

I was reluctant to leave Bonnie when my work on her school was done, so asked her if I could come back at the weekends when I had to transfer to other schools. Sometimes that meant a four or 5 hour drive just to get back but I felt it was worth it. She was always so happy to see me, I did feel I was special to her. In a way I think she looked after me and fussed over me a bit like Maya does. She looked a bit like Maya too, long straight hair, though hers was red, her figure was perhaps more athletic than Maya's, her breasts were smaller but she looked equally good in a dress or shorts like Maya does. I think one reason I was so relaxed and felt things were different was because with Bonnie and I it wasn't just about sex. She'd sit with me outside and I would play my guitar, or she would play it too. She liked photography and asked to take photos of me working or of my hands on my guitar things like that. Not just selfies like everyone else does. She had a couple of sophisticated cameras with different lenses, a digital one and one that used film. She said she just liked to play about with the latter one, she had an art studio at her parent's home and could use it as a dark room. I thought she came from a well off background, the way she talked about her parents and tennis clubs and stuff. But she didn't seem stuck up at all. I liked seeing her teach the kids, plus anyone who came out here and had a motorbike was pretty down to earth and I liked that about her. To be honest I don't think I wanted anything to change, but my contract was coming to an end.

When I finished the project I didn't think it was much to ask her to come with me. I felt I had done my bit to keep us together by doing all that driving for a couple of months when I worked away. But she said no. She said why didn't I get a job in town? I did ask around but there was nothing. I guess I was quite young and petulant. I changed jobs so easily I didn't have any idea it was different for Bonnie, that she had commitments to her school and that she was trying to build a career. Having found something good, I didn't know how to handle it. She said she had over a year of her rural schools posting to go, and she wasn't going to fail. I could easily have said I would wait. I had managed so easily before to work flat out for 6 months and then take time off I could have done that again, gone away for a few months and come back. She never said that she didn't want to be with me, just that she wouldn't leave her job. But I was hurt that she had said no at all. I didn't want to let what we had go, so typically I set out to destroy it. I told her I liked sleeping around with lots of women, I was bored and needed to get back to the city. What an idiot. I told her I loved her, but when she didn't say it back immediately I retracted it and told her I didn't. I begged her to leave with me and when she said no again I said all our time together meant nothing to me, when in fact I had never been happier with a woman. I said other hurtful things too, and I meant none of it. I think I just wanted to ruin everything we had had so I wouldn't have to think about her anymore, I was so emotionally immature and weak.


	4. Chapter 4

When I returned to Perth I hit the bottle hard, because I missed the stability and affection I had got from Bonnie. I realised I hadn't thought about Maya for weeks, but I was alone again. I didn't want to go back to picking women up at clubs, Bonnie had shown me something beyond that. But I didn't want to be alone either. I was angry with myself for hurting Bonnie. I was angry that I was on my own. I kept thinking Maya never said 'no' to me. Maya would do anything for me. Maya loved me, I knew that, Bonnie didn't. I began to think that I could ask Maya to have sex with me and she would say yes, but I knew I was fooling myself and I knew I wouldn't ask anyway. But I was desperate for affection, I didn't want just anyone to fill the void in me, I wanted something different.. So one evening when I was already wasted I searched on the internet for a prostitute who looked like the woman I knew I truly loved.

I had never been with a prostitute. I had been approached by some at bars but I always sent them away. But that time I really needed something, someone specific. So I looked on the Internet. There was one brothel that caught my eye, it looked genuine, not like that fake rubbish. It was meant to be upmarket, it called the women 'courtesans'. It said the women lead professional independent lives, not on their backs all day, servicing a queue of men. Bookings had to be made in advance individually, so I had to book two days ahead to get the girl I wanted. The fee was for the time booked, rather than what you wanted. It seemed expensive compared to what mates had told me they got, but I guess you get what you pay for. Each girl listed the services she was prepared to do. I just wanted straight sex with a few extras so that was fine. The photos were quite artistic. There was one woman with mid length auburn hair. She looked twenty something. She was slim with quite large enhanced breasts, but she was close enough. I made a booking.

I wasn't nervous when I turned up. I knew I had to do this. I had already had a couple to drink, but wasn't drunk at all. One or two never affects my performance either, at least that's what I think. I showered as requested while the girl sat on the bed naked except for a sheer black robe and a tiny thong.  
'What do you want to do first?' she asked quite sweetly.  
'I want to receive oral first then have full sex, I can keep going a long time, but I want to come twice, once on you and once inside you. Is that okay?' I will admit the business side of things did seem to ruin things a bit.  
'You have two hours. Will that be alright? You need to book further ahead if you want longer.'  
'That's fine. I said. But here's another 200 dollars. I want you to call me your brother and tell me you love me okay? Maybe just 10 times. Make it seem natural. My name is Tiffin, or call me Tiff. I don't care what you fake but call me your brother, and tell me whenever it seems right, that you love me.'  
She smiled. I guess she gets lots of requests like that, and she got to work.

In the beginning it was pretty much as I thought it would be, a by numbers approach, but she was obviously experienced. Whereas in real life I like the woman to look at me when she takes me into her mouth, this time I asked her not to. Her eyes were not the same colour. Her hair wasn't as close a match after all either, and was obviously artificial. But with subdued lighting, it passed okay. I stood up at first, with her kneeling in front of me, but then I decided I didn't want to dominate her like that, so I gently stopped her, and took her by the hand. I lay on the bed and she took of her robe and began again. I just watched the top of her head as she moved back and forth on me, stimulating me well across the tip of my penis down the shaft, everything she should do. I closed my eyes and pretended she was someone else. 

I stopped her before I came, so that she could swap positions and I came over her.  
I apologised. 'I'm sorry I didn't check if that was okay?' I think she could tell I was a newbie. I was acting like I had never had sex in my life - my come had to go somewhere...  
'That's fine, you are my brother. You know you can always come wherever you like baby.' She was good, she almost made me believe she liked me. I had negotiated no condom for oral but there was no compromise for sex - I wouldn't want that anyway. I was used to using condoms. Except for Bonnie, which which was what we both wanted, I always played safe, more or less. So I started to fuck her from behind on all fours, standing up while she knelt on the bed in front of me. She let me feel her body as much as I liked. I had to tell her to tone it down. I didn't need to hear I was so good, so big, so deep. I didn't want to hear her moan constantly.  
'Just say I'm your brother....please, something like that. My name is Tiffin. Tiff. Use it.'  
I pushed her over onto her back, missionary, so I could try to help her get it right. But I think she finally understood. She stopped the coquettish glances, the sexy stares. I told her not to call me baby again as well - I couldn't imagine that. Instead she looked like her normal self, maybe even a little shy, a bit vulnerable. That made me picture who I was thinking of better.  
'Oh Tiff,' she said as she moved with me. 'It's okay to do this, I love you. This is wonderful. I love it.'  
'Good, good,' I said, trying to control my climax. 'More'  
'Oh fuck me Tiffin. You are my brother, fuck me'  
'Yes, more...please'  
'Tiffin, fuck me, don't leave me, don't go away. I need you.' I looked the girl in the eyes, it was if she really knew what I was thinking.  
'Oh god...' I was so close. I had to withdraw myself and rest for a minute. Even though I had already come once, this wasn't going to take as long as I wanted. I needed to pace myself. I lay on my back and got her to ride me cowgirl but I held onto her hips so that I could last. Whenever I closed my eyes I enjoyed it so much. 'Maya, Maya....' I murmured.  
'Oh Tiffin. I love you. You are my brother. I love fucking you Tiffin. Fuck me Tiffin, please please fuck me, ' she cried. Her words were quite convincing, but her voice it wasn't soft and gentle. It just wasn't as alluring and familiar to me. So I opened my eyes. The illusion was shattered for a moment, but I closed them again and let go of her hips and just let her grind on me.  
'Oh god Maya, I love you, oh fuck Maya., Maya, Maya...' I came inside her and it was all over.  
'Thank you,' I said as I put on my clothes. 'You did good. There's the extra money.'

'You have more time left,' the girl explained. ' I can help you use it...'  
'No, you've done enough. I'm okay now. Thanks,' I mumbled and I shuffled out of the brothel. Now it was over I did feel grubby and ashamed for so many reasons. I think I had a new understanding of myself. I had liked to think of myself as a tortured charismatic young man. I wasn't. Why wasn't it enough just to love my sister as my sister? She loved me as her brother. Could she ever love me more than that? I had lived with a beautiful girlfriend for months, then treated her like rubbish - of course I didn't deserve anything good. I couldn't handle it when it was right in front of me. I was a pervert who had to use prostitutes. That wasn't very charismatic was it? That didn't make me interesting or thoughtful. That just meant I was stupid and sick. I made my way to the nearest bar. I wanted to drink myself to death. Because it wasn't enough. I realised I didn't just want sex with Maya, I wanted her to love me, like I loved her. It was so much more than sex and yet having her sexually was so important to me. I knew she loved me so much already, I think it was a lot more than a brother and sister normally loved each other, and I loved her physically. Nothing had ever matched those feelings with anyone. I had thought Bonnie was different, I thought there was something there, but I had been fooling myself. I think I was more interested in her than she was in me, that really was a first. So I thought all that was true was my love for Maya, and there was absolutely nothing I could do. She was my sister, she was more or less married to my brother. And now I had even been with a prostitute and played at fucking my sister. But it wasn't even a game to me, it was what I wanted and needed. I had never felt so low as I did then. What a fucking mess.

I stayed in the bar till closing time. I was well passed it and someone had to help me stand and get out. I felt awful. I staggered round the streets I didn't have a clue where I was. I think I was sick more than once. I didn't have any plans to do anything or go anywhere. I don't know how long I walked. I ended up at a bridge. Looking over it made me giddy. I remembered as a boy I would have accepted a dare to walk along the barrier so I pulled myself up. I held on tight. I felt a rush. I just stood there. I thought of Maya. I could see her as if she was right there. She looked so happy. But I couldn't help thinking of her naked, kissing me, fucking me just like the girl had done hours before. I wanted her so much. I couldn't do it anymore. I saw the bright lights of a train approaching. I was lined up right in front of it.   
'Hey mate, get down, you will fall.' There were two lads walking up to me, less than 18 years old. I didn't want them to see this.  
'I'm okay, go home.' I told them.   
''Take my hand' said the other one.  
'I can't...I can't....' I cried. I had made it this far, I knew I had to do it. I saw the train getting closer, I don't know if I even made the final decision. Turning from the boys to the train I lost my footing . I fell crashing down on the stones and metal track. I felt a shooting pain. I felt the train brush past me only a metre away. I lay down crying. I couldn't move.  
Those poor lads made their way down the bank towards me. I don't know how long it took them to reach me, but I think I just lay on that track a while. They were really panicked. One was on the phone while the other one pulled at me, but I couldn't move.  
'Please, please, help me get you up,' the lad said. 'Another train might come, please...'  
But I didn't make any attempt to move, I think it was shock as well as pain, and I'm a big man to move, he couldn't do it.  
Then the other lad put his phone away. A train came past us in the other direction, about 3 tracks away. One lad backed off but the other one didn't go. I realised he was really desperate to help me. I knew I could get him killed too and I didn't want that. So I got together all the strength I could and dragged myself to the bank, with their help, where I collapsed. I didn't remember anything else, I know I was in a van and I remember being in hospital, before they took me to a rehab centre. I told them I didn't want next of kin informed, but at my bunkhouse we all write down one number and stick it on the fridge in case of an emergency, and I had written down Willa's. So when I didn't show up one of the lads came looking for me and after a couple of days one he called her, and that's why Lochie came. 

Lochie didn't say much, the first time he saw me. He said what ever I'd done, it didn't matter. He would look after me, any problem I had, he would sort it out. He said Maya was at home desperate to know that I would be okay.   
'Can I tell her that Tiff? Can I tell Maya you will be alright?' he asked. I think he knew if I tried to get well for anyone, it would be her.  
'Yes, Lochie, tell Maya now you are here, I will be okay.' It was true, I loved the fact my brother had come to look after me, just like he used to do, when I was a boy.


	5. Chapter 5

I don't know how much Lochie knew, I didn't tell him anything, and the nurses wouldn't have either. But I saw there was a card from the family of one of the boys, hoping I would get well and they had written a phone number. They didn't know my name but somehow the card had got to me. I suppose there aren't that many people who nearly kill themselves on the tracks, so the card reached me. Willa later told me Lochie had got in touch with them and learnt everything. He wanted to buy the boys anything they wanted as a reward but both families said that there was no price they could put on saving a life. So Lochie asked them to nominate a charity so he could pay the kindness forward. Willa said she wasn't sure exactly how much Lochie gave, but Maya had told her it was thousands and thousands because Lochie said he didn't want to give just surplus cash, he wanted it to hurt, because it did. I know he gave money to his church too, in thanks that God had watched over me and sent those boys to save me. It's just the way he thinks about things I guess. I knew Lochie blamed himself for what I had done, and I wanted to tell him he was wrong, I was beyond blaming him, but I couldn't tell him how I felt about Maya. I tried telling Kit, but I drew back, I told him I thought I had feelings for Maya but I was 'cured' but that wasn't true at all. Even so when Lochie said all he wanted was me back with him and Maya to rest, I realised that was all I wanted too.

When I got back to Maya and Lochie's house as soon as Maya saw me she just cried. She let me hold her and she just sobbed.  
'Maya,' I told her, 'you are crying over nothing. You always do. I'm fine.'  
She just looked at me and hit my chest a couple of times, weakly.  
'You idiot Tiff, you complete idiot,' she said, shaking her head. Then she lead me to the sofa and she just sat with me, me in her arms, she in mine. We just talked together, we were silent together. The world went on around us, Freya and Aran came to sit with us a bit, but I don't think Maya got up for hours, she called over to Willa or Lochie who were both in the house to sort the kids out. She wasn't going to leave me and Lochie was fine with that. He didn't ask her to do anything. He cooked dinner, bathed the kids everything. He came over to talk to us, Kit came by, but I never left Maya's side, for that whole evening I just stayed in the arms of the woman I loved.

Maya and Lochie asked me to move wlith them to their new house outside of Brisbane. If there hadn't been children involved I think I might have asked if we could live in a polyamorous relationship: I have Maya to myself, Lochie have her to himself. Maya could chose who she wanted, when. I was just hoping that Maya had feelings for me that were beginning to be sexual. I wasn't sure yet. But I knew it wouldn't work out like that anyway. Lochie would have been totally insulted by that suggestion, and I don't think Maya would have wanted it either. All along they had both said they were completely ordinary. They just wanted to be left alone to be husband and wife. They already had 15 years together and as far as I knew there had only been that wobble when Maya brought a few men home and Lochie had soon after had several lovers in Australia. Maya said that had only happened because they were trying to be like everyone else. All along they had really only wanted each other. My only chance then was for Maya to take me as her lover, and stay with Lochie, or leave him for me. But I really respected Lochie too, and it was really my love for him that stopped me from doing anything more. I did sometimes get angry with him, would mock him or tease him just because I was jealous of him. I think I wanted him to get angry with me, get into a fight with me, so I would have reason to tell him what was actually on my mind, but of course he wouldn't engage with my petty goading. I used to say cruel things to him like 'What's the point of you working so hard? I see more of your family than you do?'  
But he would just reply, 'When you have kids you will see why you want to work harder - all year even, Tiff. But my kids are lucky, if they have an uncle like you around when I can't be there. I know you love them Tiff, thank you for helping us.' It was like he was the master of making me feel worse about myself even though all he was being was trusting, kind and good.

Another time I came back home after a fight. Maya and Lochie were sitting on the floor, a bit dishevelled, I was pretty sure they had just had sex and I was envious. But Maya being Maya came to me like I was her wounded puppy. She nursed me, sat with me, all in front of Lochie for at least an hour. Lochie obviously felt annoyed. Maybe he was beginning to realise Maya spent a lot of time with me. But I just sat there smirking. Maybe, I thought, they hadn't had sex at all, maybe I had interrupted them, and I felt pleased. Finally when Lochie had had enough he asked Maya to come to bed with him but still she wouldn't go, though he asked more than once. But as soon as I said, 'it's okay, you can go Maya' it was like I just pressed a button and she did what I asked. I could tell Lochie had seen that too, but I didn't care. He let me get away with anything, because of his guilt about how he had to tell me about his incestuous relationship with our sister, all those years ago. The irony. I just don't think he ever considered after the fuss I had made when I was a teenager about him and Maya having sex together I could have the feelings I did. I just don't think it entered his mind at all.

I spent such a lot of time with Maya and the kids, so much more than a husband and wife would, because the only work I did was on their house, with Maya. We worked on one area at a time. I just called in some men to help with the redesign of the kitchen because although I could do all that work, we were living in the house while the work was going on so we needed it done quickly. There was now going to be an open plan lounge / dining/ kitchen area. Very modern but with tables and surfaces made out of unfinished polished wood. There was a staircase at one end that split and lead to large bedrooms to the front and back of the house, one with an ensuite. Narrower but longer bedrooms were on each side, for the kids, so the whole of the upstairs was galleried. Downstairs at the back was a guest area - my room, which Lochie told me to fit with a wet room, a small spare room and a study and a playroom, although I didn't think that the house was really that good as a family home, Lochie in particular liked it. I think he was just so proud to be able to have such an obviously stylish home, after renting for years, and after having to patch up our tumbledown house in Bexham with only Kit to help. I think they converted our loft when they were teenagers. In fact I was proud of Lochie too. He had supported not one, but two families and developed a successful career. He always said that everything he did, he either did with Maya or that she enabled him to succeed by supporting him. I actually couldn't fault him as a man, as a father to his children or as a husband to Maya. I wish I could. Instead I just wanted to fuck his wife.

Working alongside Maya was great. We have always been similar in temperament so we got along well. She was an excellent apprentice because she is artistic, creative so she had a good eye for things. She is also like me a perfectionist. So once I had told her the best way to do tiling or plastering she knew what to do. She would always check her own progress, keep in line, things like that. But because she knew I was so pleased to be the one to be teaching her something she was relaxed, let me guide her. We just had fun. That was generally in the mornings, when Aran and Freya were at preschool. Sometimes they stayed till one. Then I would 3 out of 5 times take a break then too. It was idyllic. We could take a longer walk round to the preschool by going along the beach and more than once I would swoop Maya up and carry her along the sand in my arms. Sometimes we would play in the sea together, just me and Maya. Once she told me off for getting her too wet so I picked her up and waded out into the sea with her in my arms. We were both still sopping wet even when we got to the preschool, so she made me go and get the kids. I just acted to the staff as if was perfectly normal for me to be standing in their hall completely soaked. Well, it was a seaside town...Then we would take the kids to the beach and most days we were able to let them have a play and picnic there. Sometimes I would leave to get back to work, but other times I would take two hours break just to be with them. I would work through till about 6. Then get cleaned up and spend time with them again until Lochie came home. But he was often so late I had already helped put his kids to bed or Maya and I would be sitting outside together when Lochie came back - and I know I rarely made any attempt to give him space with Maya. So basically I felt like his family was my family, and it seemed to me that he was the one who was passing through now. I don't think I got much more than I kiss on the cheek, a squeeze on the arm from Maya in the daytime then. I think we were just playful, maybe there was some flirting from Maya then, I like to think so. I would sometimes lie in bed thinking was I getting anywhere with her at all? That's why I liked our evenings, when she was tired, waiting for Lochie, then she would just curl up next to me. I know there was something about the way she treated me, like she wanted me close to her. I think I was at least filling the emotional gap Lochie was making between them because he was working so hard. It was heaven to be with her like that.

I would occasionally go for a drink in town but the population was so small it wasn't the place to meet any women - everyone knew each other. So though I didn't do it so much anymore, I would go clubbing in Brisbane and stay over with a woman I met there. It's just human nature, I had to have someone, but it was nowhere near what I was like before, sometimes I would just go clubbing and not pick anyone up at all. Some of the clubs in Brisbane are quite stylish. I don't know why Maya doesn't go anymore. I thought it's not so much Lochie's thing now, but I could take her... I really don't know why Lochie never complained to me about how I monopolised Maya. Willa used to say to me a long time ago that she wished she could call Lochie her dad, because he was so much more to her than just her brother, and he had brought her up since she was a toddler. I do believe that's how Lochie wanted us to see him. I suppose I was like the prodigal son to him, I could do no wrong, he loved me unconditionally, like a father should. In a way I wished aspects of that life could go on forever, but in another way I could feel I was hurtling towards change.


	6. Chapter 6

Gradually things escalated between Maya and me and I knew she wanted me in the way I wanted her, but I think all that was stopping her was Lochie. I didn't think the fact that I was her brother was a negative thing for her. It had been Lochie that wrestled with that concept, not her. I think the first time I thought that was so was when she let me hold her all night when we went camping. If she had turned round to face me I think we would have made love then, but it was enough for me then just to hold her. But it was mainly all the little things,the touches, the glances, even kisses. But never quite enough for me to say Maya what are we dong here? I guess I could have done so, maybe that would have speeded things up, but there was a chance I could just scare her off. I would be asking her to be unfaithful as well as have sex with her brother, that's quite a lot to ask anyone to do. Besides I surprised myself because I just liked those little tender details. In a way it was just becoming our normal behaviour. I don't know why Lochie continued to do absolutely nothing about us. I can only guess that it was because this was developing over months, well over a year. Maya and I had always been tactile. Sometimes I didn't even notice what I had done, it was just becoming normal to me, and Maya too I think.

The first Christmas in the new house Maya and Lochie were having a party and said I could invite some friends, so I was catching up with them while we sat at the breakfast bar. The house was good for parties, there were probably about 50 people there at least,some in the garden, Kit and Willa and their partners were about. I think the kids were sleeping at someone else's house. So Maya was just standing in front of me, her back towards me as she reached up to the top shelf of a cupboard to get some more wine glasses down. I saw my friends' eyes look at her as her dress rose higher and higher, skimming her bottom. She did have a lovely figure, I was glad to think I could hold her in my arms whenever I liked, at least that was something. But I didn't like my friends looking at her laviciously so I called out to her 'Honey, I'll get them down for you.' I went round the bar, wrapped my hand round her waist and whispered 'maybe I should have built you a little step.'  
'I'm not that little you know,' she replied , laughing. It was true, she must be 5' 8" or 9" but I'm 6 or 7 inches taller easily.  
'Well next to me you are little, Maya, but don't worry I know you are fierce.'  
'Tiffin, did you just paraphrase Shakespeare?'she said, surprised.  
'I suppose so,' I said as I reached up for a tray of glasses and held them just out of reach.  
'You are full of surprises Tiff,' she said lowering her eyelids.  
'One day maybe I will show you how much,' I replied and she turned to me and kissed me, and laughed again. I put the wine glasses down before I dropped them.  
'Tiff, you are just such a tease, that was just an awful chat up line wasn't it?'  
''Well it seems to work, if the woman knows Shakespeare or not...'  
'Tiff, you are terrible.' I think I had my hand on hers then, maybe I had a hand on her waist again. Whatever I had completely forgotten about my friends, the party, everything but her. Luckily, or maybe unluckily Kit came up to the bar and said 'Glasses?' and Maya smiled at me as she and Kit went off together to replenish the tables. I went back to sit with my friends.  
'You didn't tell us you have a girlfriend Tiff. She's gorgeous,' said Rob, one of my mates from Cairns.  
'I don't have a girlfriend,' I replied oblivious.  
'We knew it would take someone special to tie you down. I'm envious mate,' said Nick, ignoring my comment.  
'No, no, that's Maya, my sister in law. That's who I live with.' I emphasised, realising the error they had made.  
'Oh mate, you are playing it a bit close to the line there. I'm guessing your brother has no idea?' asked Rob.  
'No, there's nothing...' I don't know why I was so defensive, except for the fear of discovery, before anything started. If my mates could see something, surely Lochie could? But I couldn't help it, because I was holding back already there was almost something beautiful and innocent in what we were doing. We were affectionate to each other, we knew each other so well. Maybe that was what I had envied about Lochie for years. Subconsciously that's what I was recreating. Even that same day Kit kicked me under the table when he had had some to drink. Lochie had left the party because Aran had been crying for him and Maya was leaning against me with my arms round Her. I must have kissed her, her hair, her cheek more than once. I don't think I had ever done that in front of one of my siblings before, but Maya didn't mind, I had kissed her like that hundreds of times. I kind of hoped Kit would forget in the morning about what he had seen. He wouldn't be the type to ignore things like Lochie. But in a way I also thought If I had my way, I wanted everyone to know how I felt. I wasn't ashamed anymore. It was up to Maya now.

I left to do some work again in Cairns, shortly after the camping trip I took with Maya and the kids. But it was different to before when I left because I was trying to stop myself from trying to pursue Maya. This time I had left so that Lochie was not suspicious of me, of us. I think he was beginning to sense that I was developing an emotional hold over his family, even if he couldn't imagine the sexual one I wanted with Maya. He had been away for about 12 days when Maya and I took the kids camping to Barrington Tops. Most of that time we had both been completely devoted to the children, I know they had a fantastic time. Even when we came back it was the school holidays and I wasn't working so as usual Maya and I just were with the kids, I took them on sailing trips by myself sometimes as Lochie never had time. Lochie came back exhausted - he'd crammed his work into a shorter time frame so he could get back to his family, and the kids were all over him, so pleased he was back. But two nights later I had just come back from the bar - something I hardly did any more, and I walked in the house practically the same time as Lochie - he had had to hold an international phone conference at work so was unusually late. We sat on the sofa with Maya - I typically did not go straight to my room. Then Freya appeared out of her bed looking through the gallery.  
Maya called up to her 'Freya are you okay darling? Do you feel well?' And she got up to go upstairs.  
'No mummy, I was waiting for him to come home, he said he would read me a story.'  
'I'm sorry Freya, I hope you have had some sleep,' said Lochie. ' I had to work very late today. I will just get some water and come up, darling.'  
'No, daddy, not you, Tiffin,' Freya replied. I could see such sadness and also resignation in Lochie's eyes. He was just about to stand up, but slumped back down, I could see how tired he was. He turned to me and shrugged his shoulders. I knew that even though he was tired, he just wanted to be there for his kids.  
'Looks like you are needed, Tiff. I've always said you do a good job with the kids,' he sighed.  
So I put my hand on his back and I called up to Freya 'I'm sorry I forgot, I can read you one tomorrow if you like? Let your Daddy tell you one tonight. He's better than me, he doesn't even need books. I know Freya, he used to tell me stories too.' The look of gratitude on Lochie's face moved me so much. It made me feel worse about what I was doing, because the best scenario I could imagine was the one where Maya left Lochie and brought the kids with her, to me. But that wasn't going to happen for some time. And one thing I would never do would be to turn Lochie's kids against him, no way would I do that. I guess I wanted to think to myself, there's one line at least I wouldn't cross. 

I left quite shortly after that to do work in Darwin, then Sydney or Cairns, sometimes over the next few months I would work in Brisbane even but stay away just to give them space, but the work wasn't so interesting, it wasn't really my level. It was just temporary short term contract stuff - filling in when projects needed to be finished quickly, making up numbers rather than supervising aspects of a project. Because I just couldn't bear to be away from Maya for so long. For me when I came back it was like coming home to my wife. Sometimes I would tell Maya I was going to be at the airport and she would come and meet me. She would embrace me and we would kiss - just short of a lover's kiss. Then we would just catch up. If she didn't have to get back to the kids, or if they were with her I would tell her to stop in Brisbane and let me take her out to lunch. It seemed to me almost romantic, maybe even like old fashioned courting, I don't know if Maya felt the same, I think she did. When she would talk about what had been happening at home she would either not mention Lochie at all by name, she might just say 'we did this' or 'we did that' and I had to infer who that 'we' was by its context, her and Lochie or her and the kids. Or sometimes she would stress 'Lochie will be pleased you're back so soon.'  
Once when she said that I stopped her and said 'Really?''  
'Well, I am,' she replied.  
Then one day she almost acknowledged that we were acting in a clandestine way. She had asked a friend to pick up the kids so we had enough time to go to a new restaurant in Brisbane I had heard about. It was decorated in a more artsy way, like I knew Maya would like. She did.  
'I best not tell Lochie I'm here picking you up and having lunch,' she said.  
'Why not?' I asked.  
'He's always too busy to do things like this. Believe me, I have asked.' I thought she was joking that she wouldn't tell him, but over the weekend it became obvious that Lochie didn't even know she had come to pick me up because he said I should have come to his office and we could have gone for a drink in Brisbane so he could have driven me home, instead of me getting a coach. Yes, I felt guilty, but knowing Maya kept something from Lochie suggested to me where she might be hoping to take things.

One time I flew from Perth and told her I had gone over 24 hours without sleep, because I had been uncomfortable and some of the passengers had annoyed me. She said if that happened again and she couldn't pick me up at a good time I should check into a hotel and she could get me from there. If another woman had referred to picking me up from a hotel, I would have made some comment, the innuendo was so obvious. Even if she was just my sister in law I would have referred to it. But because she was my sister, I didn't. But we were getting closer and closer to something I could tell.

Finally something happened that was different. Every time I left now it was getting harder and harder to stay away. So on this occasion when the boss said suddenly we could pack up tomorrow, I checked out of my room, fitted all my belongings in a small case and a rucksack and took them to work so I could get the first plane. I could back. I arrived back in Brisbane around 3, I knew that wouldn't be the best time for Maya to collect me, it would just be a long drive there and back with the kids, so I caught a coach home. I had a key so let myself in. I called out to Maya, and when she answered I bounded up the stairs to her bedroom to see her. 

I couldn't have dreamt what a beautiful vision would greet me. Maya was just taking off the prettiest little bikini top. She stood topless in front of me just too long, as if daring me to make the next move. I went over to her. She let me touch her hair, her bare skin.. I wanted to trace her curves with my hands but she was the one with commitments, not me. I was standing in her home, her bedroom. My brother's bedroom. It had to be her who told me to go further. I would not do it. That image of her beautiful bared breasts was permanently etched into my mind. So I didn't leave. I sat on the bed, I wanted to see what she would do next, if she would tell me to go. But she didn't. She came and sat very close to me, still just wearing her bikini. She just talked to me as if nothing had happened. I thought have I actually got this wrong? It was difficult for me to focus on anything other than her body. My eyes were drawn to a twist of fabric. One of the bikini ties. It didn't matter at all but I wanted to touch her again. So I asked if I could untie her bikini for her. She hesitated but said I could. Why would she do that I wondered unless she wanted to reveal herself to me again? And if she did I knew that would be my cue to take her in my arms, to feel her breasts against my body and make love to her. So I pulled at the ribbon slowly, maybe too slowly, for she gasped as her breasts were released again and covered herself, shyly. She is not ready I thought. I can't do this. So I retied her bikini and she put on a shirt, unbuttoned, and looked away. 

Our conversation moved from discussing her wedding, something I felt awkward about, to her future, and I realised I could help her. I talked about ways I could find her a job, and I meant everything I said. I knew it would be a good distraction for me to help her like that. She was so grateful. I felt Lochie takes her for granted sometimes so I was delighted to be the one to help her. She moved closer to me, she put her hand on my thigh, another on my shoulder as she turned towards me. Oh god I thought, this is it. She kissed me, to the side of my mouth. Still she wanted me to make the first move. I turned to her, my hands caressing her bare back. I kissed her like she kissed me. We were sitting on her bed. She had to tell me.....but she drew away. I was so confused. I didn't know what she wanted. She kept one hand on my thigh as if to make me stay. So I asked her where the kids were, when Lochie would be home. I knew what she was trying to tell me. We had the house to ourselves. When I asked her how long we had alone together the way she said 'An hour, Tiff" in her honey voice I knew what she wanted. I wanted her to tell me directly, but she couldn't. She wasn't ready, and I so needed her to be ready. I needed her to be sure she wanted me. I didn't want her to have any regrets, not about something so important to me. I had waited 5 years. I wasn't going to rush into it. Because for the first time I knew for sure she wanted me like I wanted her. It was only a matter of time. I think we both knew that then. So I turned and left to go and clean up, I said. I don't know where I got that resolve from, but I managed to walk away.


	7. Chapter 7

I think Maya regretted her inaction or perhaps she felt guilty that I knew she wanted me, that she had come so close to betraying Lochie, for immediately afterwards the tension between us was palpable. For the first time ever we weren't really talking. What could we say except that we wanted each other? I think Lochie noticed something was different between us, he ask me whether everything wS alright and I told him we had a disagreement but it was trivial, I wonder what Maya might have told him. So I went away for a few weeks. I thought Maya had better work things out in her head without me around. I realised that another thing she would have to deal with was accepting that her view of incest was totally different to Lochie's. They both distanced themselves from the concept of incestuous siblings by saying they were brought up dysfunctionally, they hadn't had a proper brother-sister relationship to start with. Lochie still felt guilty about it for some time at least. Maya had told me when I was 16 she never did. But Maya and I as a pair were different, I think I did think of her as my sister. I know she had to do a lot more taking care of me than other sisters but that just meant our sibling relationship was a strong one. I had been brought up in a loving home, I never felt isolated or uncared for. I didn't need excuses. I saw myself as a consenting adult who could love and fuck any other willing partner - and that seemed ever more likely that the was going to be my sister. Could Maya justify that? I think she could. But I felt that if Lochie found out it would shatter his perception of Maya and his relationship with her. I doubt if his church could help him with that. But I had no plans to tell Lochie, I wouldn't get involved with that. I just wanted Maya and whatever she could give me I would lovingly, or maybe greedily, take. 

I too had a lot to think about. I was so aware that I now really had the opportunity to consummate my relationship with Maya I felt overwhelmed. I found it difficult to concentrate on things, all my senses were heightened. Time seemed to move differently. If I was in the same room with Maya I noticed everything about her as if she was magnified and made more brilliant by my naked eyes. A wisp of hair that touched her lips, her hands as they brushed against her own skin, I observed every detail. So I decided to give her space and went away. 

First I went to Hong Kong, there was a dressmaker there I knew from some friends who were costume designers, the woman was a friend of theirs and could make anything you wanted from a sketch. I had used her before when I was working on some roadworks in Hong Kong a couple of years ago. She had made some beautiful cosplay outfits for some girls I was seeing. She remembered me and was happy to make a wedding dress for my sister, I had taken a copy of the sketch Maya had drawn for me to show me her ideal dress. I don't know why I wanted to do that. I think it was as much for Lochie as for Maya. I think I wanted to say to myself, if Maya chooses Lochie I will live with that, though to be honest I so hoped she wouldn't go ahead with that symbolic ceremony. While I was there I also found a beautiful green dress made of sequins and beads, just the same colour as her bikini. And I thought if I can get her to wear that dress, for me, then she will be mine. So I put the wedding dress at the back of Maya's wardrobe just before we left for Cairns and I took the green dress with me. 

After Hong Kong it was Cairns I headed to. I was quite entrenched there so thought that was a good place to start looking for work for Maya, as I had promised. It didn't take long. I had some favours to pull in, and I used that to help build my case. I was friendly with some of the women on the design team for the Eco hotel at Cairns - I had been out with one of them a few times, she was older than me, it was a temporary thing for both of us and we were both happy with that. But she remembered me and when I told her about my sister she was impressed that I wanted to help her. So she told me about the jail / hotel conversion job, gave me a few numbers and said she would put a word in. But she asked for Maya's portfolio and said any decision would be based on that. The project was due to start virtually immediately and they had been let down by one of the juniors, so she said my arrival was fortuitous. She also asked if I wanted to go out for a drink for old times' sake, but I told her I was seeing someone else. Luckily that didn't affect Maya's chances as when I called up the next day, they said if Maya wanted to call up to discuss the details and could start immediately, the job was hers. I took the first flight back home the next day.

When I got back home I didn't want to tell Maya straight away, I wanted to see how things were between us. Maya seemed unsure what to do. I think we were both aware of the tension that was growing. So I let her off the hook and told her about the job. I didn't think Maya would react the way she did. She climbed on top of me, straddling me with just a little dress on, that rose up. I put my hand on her lovely bare bottom I don't know if she even noticed. She kissed me 10, 20 times on my cheeks, my forehead., and yes a few brushed my lips. This wasn't about the job at all. I knew she missed me, wanted me. I think she must have been thinking about what we could have done in that hour we had alone, if only she had let me. I smiled and laughed. I was in no rush now. My hand circled the small of her back. There was hardly anything between us, it was almost as if she was riding me cowgirl. It was like her body was betraying her - her words were not sexual, she just kept saying how happy she was, how I was so good to her, all about the job. But the way she moved on me. Oh God.. 

It was Saturday morning, I knew the kids and Lochie were around somewhere. It was incredibly risky for her to be doing this - in a house where every room lead out to the gallery and full view of us. I half thought she wanted to be found out before we actually committed ourselves to each other. So I had to ask her to sit beside me. I think she understood why, I was aroused by her, but now wasn't the time. I almost wanted to say to her then, we have to sort this out Maya, but I was sure she understood anyway. I wish I had though, in hindsight that would have been the best time. I should have said 'Maya if you want to fuck me it's okay, I want it too.' She couldn't have denied it. But then what? Besides at that moment Lochie walked in with the kids, he had been out with them. It was so lucky I had asked Maya to move from me. If he had seen us like that he would have known for sure what we were doing and he would have been right to throw me out. But instead I chided him. I told him it was me who looked after Maya, and he was angry with me. He seemed a bit suspicious of my motivation so I told him I was looking after my sister as a brother should, I don't know why I even said that apart from to annoy him. So I quickly backtracked. But he hated the sound of the job, I think deep down he felt he had lost a bit of Maya to me, but we talked him round. I came up with a plan that I could go with Maya and the kids to Cairns so she could do the work. I thought that would be an ideal opportunity just to talk to Maya about our feelings for each other. I had no plans at first to take it further there, not with the children with us. But as it grew closer I knew it would be too much for me to resist. I decided that would be the ideal time and place to finally resolve things, and by that I meant fucking my sister. We had had enough glances, touches, what words did we even need? 

There were only five days to go till Maya and I were due in Cairns. I sorted out an apartment for us with two bedrooms, a lounge and a kitchen. I knew that would be best. If I left it to Lochie or even Maya they might chose something so I had a separate room away from them and I didn't want that. Everyday, every night as the day approached I just thought about Maya. We were so close, I was burning for her inside. I realised I had actually been wanting her for pretty much 6 years - a quarter of my life, all of my adult life. I must have the patience of a saint. I think I was beginning to feel nervous, there was even a physical tingling in my hands, I caught myself wringing them more than once. I made an effort to be friendlier with Lochie than I had been recently. I guess he didn't seem like so much of a rival now, I almost felt like I had won, which was a bit premature. But I was so convinced that I could help Maya give herself to me now, and I thought Lochie, with his ideals of integrity and responsibility would let her go. I forgot that this was all about love for Lochie, for Maya, for me.

Maya was very excited, and unusually nervous. She kept expressing self doubt about her ability to do the work, she feared that there seemed to be such a lot of freedom to do your own thing she would go off task. I reassured her that that would be exactly why she would do well, she was a naturally creative person, all those dormant skills would come back to life. Besides I told her, I would be there for her. I would be able to support her, look after her. I stopped for a moment but added 'it will be okay Maya, when we are together there.' Maya nodded. But I could see she needed more reassurance.   
'It's taken a long time but I promise you it's all going to be good. I will make sure of it, you have nothing to worry about.' I told her. It was me that was going off task. I had all this expectation and I felt I had been so good not giving in to my desire to have sex with her in Lochie's bed, not engineering regular rendezvous in hotels like I supposed she had suggested. I was like a little kid who has waited weeks for Christmas then rips everything open on Christmas Eve. I couldn't wait anymore, maybe I should have been more direct? Maya looked at me, but glanced away. She was bit her lip, something I had never seen her do. We were standing side by side in the kitchen, our backs against the cabinets. So I moved round and leant onto her, maybe I was now too assertive, I thought she would move her hands onto me, like she so often did. Instead she rather demonstrably moved her hands away from me to clutch onto the edge of the worktop. So I leant on her more but put my hands outside of hers. Wasn't that direct enough?  
'It's okay for you to do this Maya. It's alright to do what you want with your life Maya. You know that don't you?'  
'I'm not thinking about my whole life Tiff, it's not that simple. I have just got to think about the next few weeks, the next few days.'  
'I will be there for you, Maya. You understand?'  
'Yes Tiffin. You are very good to me..'  
I half smiled. Even now on the edge of this precipice she was still steering the conversation so that she did, then she didn't commit to me. It was driving me mad. So I held her there for a few more seconds. She didn't attempt to move me, though her head was turned away from me. Then we both heard Lochie's key in the door. I still didn't move. The door shut. I still didn't move. Maya turned to me, 'Tiff...'  
'What?'  
'Lochie's home...' she insisted. We heard him put down his case.  
'I know.' He probably had to take ten paces down the hall until he saw us. 'Is there anything else you want to say to me?"  
'Tiffin, please...' I guess Lochie was hanging up his coat or something.  
'Well?'  
'What else can I say? You know how I feel about you. You great big oaf. Don't push me Tiff, or I will push back.' Then she stamped on my foot and pushed me out of her way. I caught hold of her arm and pulled her back to me. There wasn't time to kiss her.  
'Okay,' I said. Her hand just dropped from mine as Lochie entered the room.  
'Hello darling, I'm sorry I'm late again. Have you eaten?'  
'No Lochie, but I'm not hungry. But there's something for you. Can I get it ready for you in a bit?'  
'Sure, thank you. I'm tired, it's been a long week already, and we are only half way through. I've missed the kids haven't I? ' Maya nodded. 'It will get better Maya,' he sighed. Maya didn't acknowledge that comment. We had both heard that before. So he turned to me 'How are you Tiff?'  
'Yeah good. I finished the path and put the tree ferns in like you wanted today.'  
'Great that was quick. I will take a look in the morning when it's light, is that okay?' My brother was always so positive towards me. I think in spite of my deliberate attempts to irritate him in recent months he was very fond of me.  
'Sure, no problem, I think you will like it.'  
'Of course I will. Do I owe you any more money?' he asked earnestly. He was always very generous to me.  
'No I cut out a middle man for your plants - there's a few hundred dollars left.'  
'Keep it Tiff, we agreed that already.'  
'No mate, not this time. You don't go to work to give your money away.' I didn't like to think that it was his money paying for me to have a week away with his wife, but I guess that's what it was.  
'It's all right Tiff it's not giving, you earnt it. Tell him Maya.'  
'Tiffin, don't worry, please keep the money. You are giving up a whole week next week, just take it.' She didn't wait for my answer, she just turned to Lochie and extending her hands to him. 'Come upstairs with me Lochie, come on. I know you have had a long day, you know how much I miss you.' He let her lead him by the hand, she didn't glance back at me. I think Maya wanted me to know that it was up to her, that in the end she would decide how far to take this and she had Lochie. But I wasn't angry with her, I knew that was all true. All along I was waiting for her, she just didn't know how long. So she went upstairs to make love to Lochie. I comforted myself with the thought that I had probably aroused her by holding her so close to me, that's why she had to make a thing of practically telling me she was taking Lochie upstairs for sex. But I didn't care. So what? She was just a few fucks away from having me.


	8. Chapter 8

When we got to Cairns I knew work would be a priority for Maya, it was a real opportunity for her, and I was seriously there to support her. She had no need to worry about the children when they were with me, she had never hovered over me when I looked after them, she trusted I would take care of them and I always did. I tried to be like Lochie, when he had looked after all of us. On the Monday they had a fun day and they were sufficiently worn out to need an early night. Maya was buoyant from her first day at work, I was glad she was happy, and told her I had a celebration planned for her. Because even though she had insinuated that I should not hurry her, once I was in Cairns with her I couldn't wait at all. It was like she was mine already. I arranged a babysitter so that I could take Maya out, not as my sister, I really wanted just to take her out, like any other woman. She didn't take much persuading. 

That evening when she had just put the kids to bed, virtually our first moment alone together, she held on to my body and looked into my eyes and told me directly that she loved me - but of course instantly qualified it by saying that I was her favourite brother, and how I was so good to her, getting her the job. Those three words can convey anything but I knew what she was saying to me. It was palpably sexual, how she held on to me. I didn't know if she wanted me to bend down and kiss her then. Why would she do that unless she wanted to take our relationship further? But I guess she was married and it was complicated... Very complicated. So I played it by her rules. Anyway by taking her out I thought I could show her we were just like normal lovers, and that's how the evening progressed. 

We got to the club and danced together. Maya was beautiful. She wore the dress I gave her and it sparkled and so did she. I was proud to be with her. I watched her be so happy and exuberant. Happier than she had been for months. She was so pleased to have completed her first day at work for maybe 5 years. I didn't want to make this night just about me, us. But then when a slow track came on she asked me to hold her and I did. She moved against me pretty much as she might do if we were having sex. She knew it, I knew it. She raised her arms up so I could feel her body. She placed her hands on mine letting me know she liked how I held her, keeping me next to her. She flicked her hair back revealing her long pale neck. I had to kiss her. I traced a line down her neck with my tongue, pulling her closer to me, so she could feel how hard and ready I was for her. Then I kissed her neck like she wanted me to. I wanted to turn her round and kiss her properly. But I couldn't. I was ready to have sex with her, I knew she was ready for me.. I didn't want to kiss her like that there, for her to just feel guilty and walk away. I needed sex with her so a kiss like that should really happen back in our rooms, so we could move on to having sex straightaway, before she had time to think about Lochie and distance herself from me again. But knowing that's what I wanted, I felt uncomfortable because Lochie trusted me with his family. And what I wanted to do could erode that unit. 

So it was me that pulled away, I felt guilty that I was pushing Maya into a relationship with me. Having looked after Lochie's kids all day I just didn't feel good about it. I hadn't had sex for weeks, not since I had come home and Maya had been wearing that bikini - or some of it. My thoughts had only been of Maya. So I thought I have to relax, refocus, make sure what I want is what Maya wants too. Maybe all she wants is to toy with me, to flirt. And that's okay. I knew it's different for her than me. I want her for the rest of my life, she already has Lochie. But I needed sex so badly so I went to the bar. Within 10 minutes I chose a girl as unlike Maya as I could find. I told her I was looking for sex, that's all. It was a pretty direct approach but it worked. She said she knew a quiet place we could go, she would just tell her friends. But then Maya came over. I told her I was sorry, but I had to do this, surely she knew why? But she wouldn't let me go. She begged me not to go. I didn't want to make her ask twice. I knew how I would feel if Maya said she was going to have sex with someone else, instead of me, so straightaway I said it's okay I don't want her, I will stay with you. But she kept telling me she needed me, that I didn't need anyone else. I could see she was wrestling with her emotions. It wasn't easy for her, because of Lochie. I knew having sex wth her because we were brother and sister was going to be better richer, hotter, but that didn't make it easier to commit to it. So I just wanted to look after her. I took her by the hand. I didn't need her to say anything more to me. We had both said and done enough. We both knew where this was going. I just took her home.

The next day it seemed right from the start Maya was going to pretend that nothing had happened. She just couldn't make that final move. With the kids around I was prepared to let that happen. But in the evening when they were in bed she just ignored me, and I thought that wasn't fair. I was giving her plenty of time and space but I felt we had to talk eventually. But Maya wouldn't. In the end she seemed like she didn't even want to look at me. I heard her on the phone tell Lochie she and I were best friends. I was pleased she was telling Lochie I was special to her., and in the past I had heard them both call each other that. So I knew, and Lochie must have known that I had managed to usurp him from that. But we weren't teenagers - best friends? We both knew I was more than that. I think she had a row with Lochie about our night out, and she took it out on me. She stressed that we could never go out like that again, ever. I knew what she was referring to, the fact that we had gone out as lovers already not brother and sister at all, I was frustrated. Now wasn't the time to go backwards. But she told me to go out by myself. She told me to fuck around. I hated her for it. She had Lochie. It wasn't fair. All I wanted was her. So I slammed the door and went out. I said I would pick someone up just to spite her. But I had no intention of doing that. I just sat on the beach. All I wanted was Maya, no one else. I sat there for a long time till I went back to the flat. Maya was waiting for me. I was still angry with her. I wasn't going to make it easy for her. I really was getting desperate. I played along with her game. I said to her, yes we are best friends. See how she likes that. I went to bed, on my own.

I think that approach seemed to work. I think Maya knew she needed me as much as I needed her as she was kind and gentle to me in the morning, as if our row had never happened. In the evening she was friendly too and finished her work early and came to sit with me, in my arms like we usually do. She tried to direct the conversation towards ordinary stuff. She deliberately talked about Lochie and about me settling down, but I had had enough of this back and forth. So I realised I could not wait for her any longer. Maya had been so attentive to me, making sure I was well and strong ever since I had come back from Perth. But the one addiction she had not been able to cure me of was my addiction to her. For so long she had filled my waking thoughts and my dreams. It almost seemed to me that I had paid my dues, I had been subservient to her, but now I had to posess her. I knew she was the one for me. Maybe I was still dreaming, but I sensed I was important to her. This wasn't just about sex, it was about becoming one in so many ways. I knew we fitted together perfectly, we had so many happy times together. I wanted to be the only man she needed. I wanted to hold her, support her, love her. I could even see a future with her. I would provide her with everything, I would make sure she had the freedom to do what ever she wanted. I wouldn't neglect her like Lochie did, I wouldn't limit her. I would learn from his mistakes. She had changed me, already I knew what sort of man I wanted to be, but I needed her in my life to be that man. She was so precious to me. I didn't care that she had made me wait so long, it just showed her depth of feeling, but I think that was how she felt about me as well as Lochie. I thought all this as she sat next to me, legs curled up, head on my chest, like most evenings we have together. She was so precious to me. I knew absolutely that she was the one for me. I twisted her hair in my fingers. She let me hold her. Everything was quiet, our conversation had reached a natural pause. It was like the calm before the storm, the rush before the climax. I wanted to remember this feeling always and treasure it. I knew I already had her. We could understand each other without words, our bodies, the way we were holding each other said enough. I liked this feeling, this need to make her feel safe and loved.  
'Maya,' I murmured. She didn't answer, just took a deep breath and took my hand in hers. 'Maya,' I repeated. 'I think you do know how I feel don't you? I love you. You know what I mean.'

She shook her head. 'No Tiff, you don't mean that.' She sat up. Her face was white, how could she doubt it?  
'Maya , I love you and I want you. I know you feel the same. You know what we have been doing for months, years. I can't keep living with the anticipation... You keep skirting round it. Just admit it Maya to yourself, to me. It's not wrong, if we both feel the same.'  
I think she wiped away tears, she tried to leave, but I didn't let her go. She never said that she didn't love me, she just kept saying she loved Lochie. I couldn't give up.  
'The way we feel about each other, what I can do for you, it will be beautiful Maya. I think we both deserve this. I have loved you for years Maya, you taught me there's no shame in that. Let me make love to you. It's what I want.' So I told her we both knew what we had been doing. I said she had to admit it , finally, clearly to herself, to me. I told her I loved her, and I knew she loved me. I should have said she possessed me, I was tied to her and I liked it that way. This was going to just be the beginning. She had nothing to fear. It would never be over, it was so important to me. She was the one for me, always, just her.


	9. Chapter 9

It was surprisingly easy for her to finally admit that she loved me after I expressed myself to her.. I did feel a rush as she said those words. I could sense her guilt about so many aspects, that she was older than me, had brought me up, that she had Lochie. But also she knew there was no point denying it. I had held her in my arms so much, she had kissed me so freely. Just talking about all the sensual moments we had already shared was enough. She sat astride me again and this time she didn't just kiss me, we kissed each other, it was perfect, I could feel her rubbing against me again, I was desperate to feel her, to taste her. But she pulled away, because of Lochie. I wasn't going to give up, I knew I could do this. I could feel my pulse beating around my body. I told her I knew it was okay to make love together, she wanted to protect me, that's why she had held back so long. But I saw it as making love to a beautiful woman whom I loved very much - it was so much better than all those one night stands. Why would I need protection from that? And importantly only she could show me how special this love was. I know she felt responsibility, I knew I was playing on her guilt. Maybe that wasn't fair but I knew she loved Lochie and wasn't going to betray him easily. So I had to use everything I had to make her take that final step. Then once I had her we could just put everything to one side and just make love to each other, like we were meant to do. Our arguments went back and forth I felt we were getting nowhere. So I decided to forget about words. I thought the physical bond between us was enough. She let me touch her body. She let me kiss her again. I could read the signs. Then finally I won her over as my hands caressed her, and she kissed me. I will never forget what she said. It was like a final revelation to her that we had to be together. 'Oh god Tiff,' she said 'are we really going to do this?' And that's the point I knew absolutely we would.

She let me take off her clothes piece by piece and helped me out of mine. Her body was beautiful, and sensual. I'd always known that. Her stomach was only slightly rounded from bearing chikdren, you wouldn't have known. Her breasts were glorious, they were full and my hands could not contain them. I couldn't believe I was holding them, my mouth sucking at them, after years of fantasising about doing just that the reality was so much better. She let me run my cock back and forth along her cleavage. All this time I had been right, it was fantastic. I wanted her, she wanted me. I explored her body with my fingers. She moved and gasped delightfully. Finally I had her like that.

I told Maya I loved her. I kissed her. I used my hands on her. I asked her one last time if she wanted me to stop. But she didn't. Thank god she didn't. I was so aroused I don't think I could have stopped. Instead, she didn't speak to me she just took me deep, deep into her mouth. All of that was incredibly heightened and sexual. I didn't feel alone anymore. I didn't feel it was wrong. I felt euphoric. I just couldn't see how it could be wrong, between us. I wanted Maya, she wanted me. I knew exactly what Maya meant when she used to say nothing could compare to how she felt with Lochie, for I already had a sense of what we were doing together was unique. I felt absolute trust with Maya. I felt completely vulnerable with her. It didn't matter that I had had sex hundreds of times in the past. This was all that mattered. I knew this was real love because it was different to the lust I felt for other women's bodies, when the person hardly mattered. I wanted to do this for Maya as much as myself. I wanted to make her feel good. The thrill was as much about her pleasure as mine. I knew I was going to have brilliant sex with her, because I could tell she was so experienced, so giving, so perfect. She rubbed the tip of my penis on the roof of her mouth, I loved it. Then she pressed me against the back of her tongue. He mouth was deliciously wet. She twirled her tongue around me, just as she should with one hand moving firmly on my shaft as she took more and more of me into her mouth. All the time her eyes were fixed on mine, and mine on hers. I began to sway my hips towards her. But I didn't want to come so soon. And for our first time I didn't want to come in her mouth. I really wanted to come inside her, in her pussy. I think that was a very basic territorial desire. Though I loved what Maya was doing to me I wanted to be active too. I couldn't wait. I needed to fuck my sister. So as difficult as it was I removed my cock from her mouth and said to her 'So you do want me?' I think we were both smiling. I know I felt completely overwhelmed by a sort of euphoric joy, not just physically but emotionally too. Maya I think said 'Yes, I want you,' but I was past making conversation. She parted her legs and drew me inside her. 

As soon as I entered her it was like magic. The way she looked at me, the way she held me, the way she moved for me. It was as if we were bound together by years and years of love, yet everything was new. I absolutely understood that this was the only love I would ever need. I also knew that after all this time I wasn't going to last long, and I couldn't help it - I only thought of me. I had dreamt of this moment for so long and in my mind I had thought of everything I could do for Maya. But I hardly did anything for her. I tilted her hips up and supported her so she could feel me really well inside her but I was overwhelmed. I had wanted it to be so good for her, but it was she who made it good. I think that's why she moved me over. There wasn't much space on the sofa but that was okay. It gave her the opportunity while she was on top to really rock and push hard against me. I couldn't believe I was finally inside her. I must have been waiting for this moment for five years. My cock was inside her. My hands were on her breasts. My tongue was in her mouth. God I loved her. Then she leaned back and I knew she was going to come. When she called out Lochie's name, for a moment I thought my heart would break. I knew she said she loved him more than me, wanted to stay with him. But I knew she wouldn't have made love to me unless she loved me deeply, emotionally and physically. So when she said his name for a moment I felt hopeless. But then I realised why she had to do it. She had been with Lochie for 16 years. I know the way they used to love each other had been passionate, they had risked so much. Yet now it was me who was fucking her. It was me who was inside her. And then I wasn't disappointed at all. I was excited. I had her. She needed me. We were equals. I came so hard inside her. I loved it.

Afterwards we lay on the sofa completely naked for a long time, our bodies still entwined. I thought Maya would ask me to leave. I was conscious that there was but one unlocked door between us and the children. I thought Maya might have wanted to get up, get dressed, leave me. But she didn't. We lay there still kissing, touching each other. It was beautiful. She asked me how I felt. Even afterwards she was thinking about me. I think that's how I knew what we had done was so right. It really was the best way to love each other. I liked it when she told me that she had wanted me like this for a long time, and to my surprise she said she enjoyed what we had done, as if it had been good. But she was adamant that we couldn't go on, she didn't want me as her lover beyond our stay in Cairns. But I could tell she didn't want it to be over, the same as me. I was so conscious of a clock ticking, taking away our time together. So I told her, I could do so much more for her. Like the difference between fucking and making love. I knew the second time I could last much longer. I so wanted to use my tongue intimately on her and I just knew she would let me pleasure her like that.

When she took me by the hand and lead me to my room I knew she wanted more. I pushed the beds together so that we could have more space to be adventurous together. I was ready to make love to her a second time quite quickly but I made it last. She looked at me the whole time  
We kissed each other whenever our positions meant that we could., I could tell she was thinking of me, liked having sex with me, this time she used my name, as a whisper, as encouragement, in ecstasy. It was so loving and complete. I had to stop myself from saying ' I love you Maya' so many times , but when I came again I couldn't help it. I told her 'Maya I love you, I know I do.'  
'I know darling,' she said as she held me close. 'That's why we are doing this. This is what we are meant to do.This is what our bodes are for. To show each other how we feel." So that's when I asked her if I could do anything else for her, and she knew what I wanted to do. She nodded and said 'That's my favourite thing.' I guess she could see that made me uncomfortable because I don't know, I think it's more personal and therefore I thought she would compare what I did to how Lochie did it for her. But of course Maya could see that and tried to put me at ease straight away. 'I suppose a lot of women say that to you.'   
'I don't care about other women. I have longed to do this for you, but yes I am good. At it. '  
'I think it's special too. That's why I want you to do it for me. Only one man ever has before. But don't worry, I think you will be very very good.'  
'Well! I will take my time, I know it can take a while. But I like that. I want this to feel really good for you. I have wanted to do this for you for ever...Is that okay?' I was worried that I had said too much. Firstly I was worried that I wouldn't meet Maya's expectations. Then I had confessed that I had wanted to lick her, suck on her, for a long time. But perhaps that was obvious.   
'You make it seem more exciting than ever, Tiffin. You really are so good to me. I love you Tiff. And I mean that exactly how you think I do, how you want me to. You're my brother and I love you like this, for sex. You can do absolutely anything you want to my body Tiffin. Anything you want to do is wonderful Tiff, we love each other.' 

I couldn't believe how she knew how to say exactly the right thing for me. She made it seem as if what we were doing was beautiful and right because after all these years I realised it was. I had carried the disdain and disgust for what I felt for my sister but it was other people's dIsdain. People who didn't know me, us. People who couldn't understand us at all. They were wrong. We were right. We chose this. We loved like this. I kissed Maya passionately, I was aroused more quickly than I thought I would be. So I moved down her body and did exactly what I promised. Her soft murmurs of pleasure grew slowly, I could tell she liked what I was doing. They were gentle, lovely sounds, it made me smile at her, and I enjoyed having this power over her. I took my time to discover what pattern, what movements she liked best because I liked it all. I loved the sweet taste of her body, but when I put my tongue inside her I could taste my saltiness in her too and that reminded me how much I had done with her already. So my movements with my tongue became a little firmer, more insistent and her hips began to move up and down and she pressed herself towards my mouth.

'Oh Tiff, you are wonderful....I love it... Don't stop' she gasped at intervals. I could hear her breathing change and I didn't want her to come too soon. I put my arm across her stomach so I could feel every reaction and so I could control her even more. She cried out my name so many times. I don't think I had ever been happier. Then finally when she did come she said again and again ' I love you Tiffin, I love you.' I watched her pulsate about 12 times so beautifully, then I entered her again very powerfully. She arched her back and I slipped my arm round her waist drawing her up to me. She really had the perfect body for sex. Soft yet strong and beautifully curvaceous. I could have been so envious of Lochie then, except it was me fucking her now. She let me hold her and move her into position like a little doll, but when I had set her up as I liked she would grind against me so I moved incredibly well inside her. I know she felt it too. I was ready to come again, but had time to control it, so I asked if I could come on her. She nodded and I came over her breasts and then she sucked the last bit out of me. We then swirled my come round her body till it dried on her and she took me in her arms again.

I guess I hoped I had done enough. I thought that by giving her a wonderful sexual experience, sharing everything we shared she wouldn't want to let me go. She told me it was good, she said many times what I did for her was beautiful, that what we had shared was some of the best sex she had ever had in her life. Maybe I should have told her for me it really was the best sex I had ever had, but maybe she could guess that was so. But still she said we couldn't go on like that. She wouldn't have an affair, she said she could be with me in Cairns but never again. She wouldn't leave Lochie, and worse still she was going to tell him about it, so I could, most likely, never go back. It would be up to Lochie and we both knew he was a proud man. He lived very strictly by a code of responsibility and respect and I was fairly sure that both Maya and I fell rather short of his standards. I had, rather stupidly, begun to think of their house as home, their family as my family. I had lost it all. 

I think Maya was worried that without her and that stability I would hurt myself again, turn to drink, whatever. But I knew that was over. Maya had told me she loved me, she had shown me she loved me in exactly the same way as I loved her. I hadn't been imagining it, we really have those intense feelings for each other. The other thing was I could now associate love with sex. I knew I would never go back to the casual relationships I had before. If I couldn't have Maya I at least wanted a special person. I think that was the first time I thought about Bonnie for a long time. I wasn't sure if I had loved her, Maya had probably been too much on my mind even then. But I knew I had something different, better with her than with anyone else and I wished that I had given that relationship more time to discover what it was. So I was honestly able to tell Maya that I would never harm myself again. I had begged her to show me what sexual love between a brother and a sister was, I told her I needed that question answered. I told her I couldn't go on not knowing. So she had shown me, and I understood. It was good, it was fulfilling, it was a very private act just between me and my sister. I think there was a heightened satisfaction because the world says we should not have sex together. But it wasn't cheap, it was like we loved each other at a higher level, which other people could not understand. I realised my ideas of a polyamorous relationship were totally misplaced. I could see why Maya could not continue an affair with me. What we had was too intense. If she had that with Lochie, she didn't need me as well. But I was so pleased she had shown me. I knew now I would strive so hard to find that depth of understanding in a relationship. Maya had given me something to hope for even as she was forced to put me to one side. She was so good, so kind, so beautiful, I knew I would love her forever. But I would try to find someone else, and now I believed I could succeed.  
'You really are very very lovely Tiffin,' she smiled. 'But I think you know that don't you?'  
I kissed her again, and fell asleep in her arms.

We woke in the night and made love a few more times and again in the morning. If it hadn't been for the children likely waking up I don't think I could have let her out of my arms. But I knew she had to go. She took me into the shower with her, and I loved feeling her wet body. But we didn't have sex there, Maya just let me wash her and she did the same to me. Then I let her go to the children before she went to work. I let the children play for a bit , they had had a busy few days and were in no hurry to go out. I tidied up, and I pushed the beds in my room apart. Maya had said she could be with me in Cairns and we had one night left. But I almost felt the way she took me into the shower was almost a symbolic washing away of everything. I wasn't going to pressure her to have sex with me again. That had to be her choice.


	10. Chapter 10

When Maya came back from work she was tired. She looked drained - I thought she may have had an argument with Lochie, about us, but she said she hadn't told him, but she thought he knew. She acknowledged that the way we had been acting was almost as if we had been having an affair already and she thought with time to himself Lochie had probably worked it out. It was just he was so trusting.... She had to hold back tears. While the kids were watching tv she came to help me with the washing up.  
' I saw you pushed the beds apart,' she said.  
'Yes,' I replied.  
'Is that what you want tonight?' she asked.  
'I don't know Maya,' I replied honestly. 'If I can't have you after this I don't think I can do everything the same as last night, knowing it's the end.'  
'Okay Tiffin,' she said. 'If that's what you want, thank you.'  
I took her hand, quite forcefully. It wasn't what I wanted at all. I wanted her. But I knew she had Lochie. 'Thank you for loving me and releasing me.' she said.  
'I love you Maya, I only want what you want, however that affects me, however much it hurts.'  
'Okay. I understand. I will put the kids to bed. Are you going out?'  
'Of course not Maya. Why would I do that?'  
'I'm sorry. I just mean I might not be good company, that's all. I have had a bad day. Because of Lochie, what I have done to him. But not about you Tiff. You know that don't you? I don't regret what we have done, not at all. I just need a bit of time, but I want to talk to you later?'  
'It's okay Maya. I will take a shower while you put the kids to bed and if you want I can sit with you on the sofa or I will just go to my room if you change your mind about talking with me. Whatever you want.'  
'Yes Tiff, that's good'

I was just getting ready for the shower but I had to come out of my room for some shower gel so my towel was just wrapped round my waist. It was bad timing as Freya was talking to Lochie on the iPad, and asked if I wanted to talk to him. Obviously I didn't. But Maya seemed reluctant to take the pad too. So I asked her, did she want me to talk to him after all? But she said no. So I went away. I put my clothes back on, I thought it might be best if I went out after all. When I came out of my room again she was sitting with a book wearing her gold satin slip, the kids were playing in front of her. She looked upset following her talk to Lochie, so I said I would go out for a bit, just for a walk, so she could have time to herself. I was back within the hour because I didn't really want to leave her. I didn't want her to think I could go and enjoy myself when she was upset.  
When I got back she seemed brighter. The kids were evidently already asleep, but she was quiet. So the first thing I did was take a shower. Afterwards before I had chance to go to my room to get some clothes on Maya called me to her. I felt strangely self conscious that I was just wearing a towel round my waist, so I just pulled up a dining chair to sit opposite her as she sat on the sofa.  
'Tiff,' she said. 'I'm going to go to my room early tonight.'  
'Okay, I thought so. That's good. I will just sit up a bit,' I reassured her.  
'Tiff I'm going to tell Lochie everything that happened last night as soon as I get back.'  
'Yes, you said you would.'  
'I want you to know that. He may ask you questions but you only have to tell him the truth about yesterday. If he wants to know anything I will tell him. I won't lie. I'm not going to say it was a mistake. I will tell him everything about last night.'  
'Yes Maya, I understand. I don't think he will want to hear it all anyway...'  
'But I'm telling you Tiff, he needs to know I accept responsibility. He needs to know I did it for love, and I liked it, you know how much. I will tell him about last night.'  
'Yes Maya, I understand.'  
'No Tiffin. You don't. I will tell him about last night but not today. The children are asleep in your room Tiff. Freya asked to go in a separate bed to Aran tonight. He's been taking all the duvet.... So I'm in my bed but the children aren't. I want to show you something else tonight. Yesterday was so physically fulfilling Tiff but there's more. If you want you can sleep with me tonight and I will show you.'  
'Or I can sleep on the sofa?'  
'Exactly,' she said, trying to raise a smile. 'I feel better now. I have to sort out things between me and Lochie. And I think he will understand Tiff, in time. He's not like other men. But I told you I could be with you here, if you want me too.'  
'You know I do.'  
'I thought you would say that Tiff, but I don't know if that's being fair to you?'  
So I took her by the hand again into her room. She took off the towel round my waist and asked me to get into bed with her. She took off her slip so she was naked too.  
'How many times have you been in bed with a woman and not had sex Tiff?' she asked.  
'Er.... Never.'  
' I thought so. So that's what we are going to do tonight Tiff, through till the morning. I just want you to hold me. I have always loved the way I could just nestle in your arms, and I'm going to miss that.'  
'And I like you being there. I like holding you..'  
She kissed me.  
'Is that allowed, then?' I asked.  
'Yes. You can touch me too, but not there.' She indicated where I wasn't allowed to go.  
'And same for you I guess?'  
She smiled and nodded.  
She held my hand, she stroked my body. I ran my fingers through her hair and over her hips. We didn't even kiss that much, but I liked it. My cock was erect but I tried to think of other things. Maya helped me.  
'Tiff, why have you always been so good to the children?' she asked.  
'Why wouldn't I be?'  
'I don't know, when you were a boy....'  
'Forget anything I said then. I didn't understand. But it's not about me and you. That's not why I love them. I just try to do things for them like Lochie and you did for us.'  
'Really?'  
'Did you think I took all that for granted?'  
'No, you were always a sweetheart..'  
'Don't think about me then. That was a long time ago. I just mean you two did everything for us. You could have left us in care when you were 18 or 19. Especially because of you and Lochie. You could have gone away and started your life together then.'  
'God, Tiffin, we would never have done that. You would only have been 10 or 11. Willa even younger.'  
'I know. We must have been such a burden to you.'  
'Don't ever say that Tiff. I know you know that isn't true. Did Lochie ever make you feel like you were a burden to him? Did I?'  
'No you are right. Lochie never did. Sometimes I know I got on your nerves.' She smiled at me.  
'Well you always were incorrigible when you tried to wind me up.'  
'But not anymore?'  
'No not anymore. I have reformed you haven't I?'  
She turned me onto my back and traced the outline of my muscles with her index finger from my chest to my abdomen. I exhaled.  
'Your turn,' I said. I starred with my hand on the side of her face, then down her long neck across her shoulders and both breasts to her stomach and hips till I held her bottom in my hand. She moved closer to me, pressing her breasts into my chest and kissed me. This was a long kiss. She parted her legs and moved herself so that I was between her legs touching her but not inside her. I only had to move a little bit. She knew it. She pressed her groin into me then stopped kissing me. She turned over so that her body fitted into mine. Her back was against my chest. My hands were round her waist. He lovely bottom rested on my cock. I kissed her neck.  
'You are being very good Tiff,' she told me.  
'I don't want to let you go, Maya. I will do anything you say.'  
'Then I have trained you well already Tiff. Say that to a woman and they will actually let you get away with anything,' she laughed.  
'I don't want to think about anyone else. Not now.'  
She turn around to face me again. 'But I do, darling. I want to think of you with one special person. You know that's what I have always wanted for you. One special person. And I think you will have lots and lots of babies Tiff. You are meant to be a father Tiff. You are so good with mine.'  
'I would be their father if Lochie...' But I didn't finish my sentence I could see Maya's face grow pale.  
'I know you would Tiff. But I can't live without him. I have been with him so long, since I was 16 and he was 17. We have grown up together. We are really just one person. We are conjoined. I cannot, I will not live without him.'  
'I'm sorry Maya.' I dropped my hands from her waist. 'Why are we even doing this again Maya?'  
'This is different Tiff. You waited for me for so long. I know I made it hard for you. I was thinking today about what you said, that you had all those casual relationships because you couldn't have me.'  
'Well, that was my choice I guess.'  
'Yes I know. And I don't doubt you learnt some skills doing it, I know I benefitted from your experience.' She laughed her pretty laugh. 'But I want you to know this is better. Just being with one person is better. That's why I love Lochie so much. We have been together so long.That's why I have to tell him about yesterday. But tonight is just for you. I won't ever tell anyone about this. This night is ours. She began to kiss me all over my body. Her hair, her nipples brushed against my body. Ordinarily I couldn't have endured that with anyone, I would have had to have sex by now. But she wouldn't let me. Instead she talked to me about things I didn't know about her. She said she had never wanted to be unfaithful to Lochie, even all those years ago, did I remember Tyrese and anyone else she brought home?  
I said I remembered a couple of men, whom she seemed to just see once or twice.  
She said there had been more, but she hadn't wanted to do it, Lochie had said their love wasn't normal and she had to find someone else. She cried in my arms and she let me hold her and wipe away her tears. I asked her if she thought being with me would make her upset in the future but she said no. She hadn't loved those men at all, but she loved me so we were making good memories she would treasure inside of her.  
Then I asked her if she ever had feelings like this for Kit. At first I thought she might be offended but she realised I didn't mean it like that.  
'I think I like sex with my brothers best of all because of the type of men you are, because we spend so much time together, the way we care for each other, I think with both you and Lochie there's a lot of emotional dependency, a lot of selflessness and caring for each other, and that is I think a very good basis for love in all its forms. And I guess I like sex based on love and with my brothers I get that. I have thought about it a lot of course, not just me and Lochie. I have thought about it with you often. I think I held back because it is life changing.'  
'Yes Maya, it is, but in such a good way.'  
'But I had to be sure didn't I? I had to be sure it was what you wanted.'  
'You should have asked...'  
'Tiff, you know what I mean, I thought you might change your mind, grow away from me...'  
'No, there was never a chance that would happen. Once I realised I felt like that for you there was no way for me to stop.'  
'I know that now darling. I'm so glad you were patient and waited till I was ready. You don't know how much you have enriched my life by loving me so beautifully.'  
'Maya...'  
She changed the subject. Why talk about how wonderful we were for each other when she had to end it? Maybe she just wanted to acknowledge that we could at least have shared perfect memories. So she continued : "But Kit is different. He loves me in the traditional sense a brother should. He has done many things for me and Lochie, but he's independent, I just have never been attracted to him, I have never even thought about it. I can't count the number of times he has kissed me, hugged me, whatever, but that's all it was. But ever since you came back every time you touched me, held me, kissed me I wanted more...'  
'I wish you had said something....' I said as I kissed her from her toes up to her thigh.  
So do I Tiff, more than anything. I hate to think of you being alone and thinking it was wrong when I could have shown you it's love, that's all. I don't label what we do as incest. That's a horrible word. It suggests corruption, coercion , unequal relationships, seediness. But what I feel for you is nothing like that. I care about you. I thought about you everyday you were gone.'  
You probably cried sometimes didn't you? I asked as I ran my fingers through her hair and kissed her.  
She smiled. 'Of course I did. Especially after I found you had been to rehab once. I just wanted to make sure you were happy, healthy. I just wanted you back with me so I could look after you. I suppose that I may have stifled you...maybe that's what I did wrong.'  
'You loved me, you cared for me , you made me feel wanted, important. You put me first. What's wrong with that?' Maya nestled into my arms. 'You know I think I was about 13 or 14 when I suddenly realised that you had been looking after me from about that same age, younger even. I realised you had delayed university, for me. It was like a moment of being, I thought one day I want to do something for you. I didn't love you like this then but I know that is the foundation of it. That's why it's so much more than sex. Sex is the demonstration of how much I love you. I almost wish I had never had anyone else, because what I feel for you is so unique.'  
'I'm so glad you have thought so much about it Tiff. I suppose you have had lots of time. I'm glad you know it's good. I get so cross when I read strange stories in the news. Of course there are completely normal brothers and sisters having sex together. All it will take is some influential person or football player or film star to come forward. And then everyone will be like, oh yes, it is okay? Why did we ever care. And for a few years there will be actors going on stage to collect awards and they will say something like 'this really means a lot to me, that all my colleagues and fans accept me and my love for my sister as completely normal.' And they will get a man of the year award, and all this applause for being 'brave'. And then a few years later it will be so normal, just like being gay or transsexual. And if anyone makes a speech like that then it will just be like, bore off. We know it's okay. Just do your job!'  
'Maya you are so funny. Do you really believe it? I'm with you on that you know. People are like sheep.'  
'Well I like to think like that, but I know it will actually take a bit longer, so I don't dwell on it. But it doesn't stop how I live my life. It doesn't stop Lochie. And I am so so glad it doesn't stop you.'  
'Yes Lochie doesn't like to think about it much does he? But it's just love, that's what Lochie says too.'  
'Yes he understands that now. Having children really helped him understand what we do is okay, it's right. But I know he still tries to be the perfect father, the perfect citizen because of it. He's a bit like Atticus Finch like that. He even looks a bit like him. That serious demeanour, those strong outlines. And you are just a younger version. You are just so classically handsome, Tiff.' The back of her hand stroked my jaw. I hope she was thinking only of me. 'He knows I look up to him. And he is the perfect husband to me really, you know. I'm selfish. He's so busy, I just want more of him.' She smiled just thinking about him.  
'Do you want me to leave Maya? I don't know if you really want to do this?  
'No, Tiff, you know I don't want you to go. I shouldn't have spoken about him. I want to be with you. You don't need to feel guilty about anything. And I don't want to be just another of your one night stands.'  
'Come on Maya. You know that's not what you are to me. God, Maya how could you say that? I don't want anyone else except you. You are the one Maya. I've known that for years. But I can't have that can I?' I already knew the answer.  
'No Tiff,' she said.  
'And it's not just because of the kids is it? It's Lochie.'  
'Yes.'  
'But Maya, I wouldn't ruin what you have with him. I understand you want him, you love him. I would accept less. Just to be with you sometimes.' I guess I seemed desperate.  
'No Tiff.. But don't diminish this. Please Tiffin. Look at me. I would have been faithful to Lochie all my life but for you. Can't you see how important that means you are? I am risking everything I have for you. But I have to let you go. I can't give you less than love. It's better for you to know you are loved, but we can't be together. You don't really want to live under Lochie's roof and do that to him?'  
'No, but I could move out...' Clinging to straws I guess...  
'He would know. It would cheapen what our love is. I don't believe you would want that.'  
'Yes, yes I know...'  
'So we will end it all on this perfect note, knowing how much we mean to each other. That makes me happy, Tiff. Your love for me has made my life better. It's lovely, delicate, innocent. Thankyou Tiff for being so brave and waiting for me.'  
I smiled, a sad smile I guess and pulled Maya closer to me.  
'I do love you, you know that?' she told me, maybe for the last time.  
'Yes.'  
'And I know you love me.'  
'Yes. Always. Every way.' What else could I say?  
'And I have only ever said that to one other man. And I will never say it to anyone else, Tiff.'  
'Well, I may have said it before, but I didn't know for sure what it was till now. Now I just want to say it to you. I really do love you so much Maya. You are a wonder to me.'  
'God, Tiff. When you find the right woman they will be so very, very lucky to have you. And you will say those words to them, and you will mean it. I know you will. You have so much love still to give. And then it will be my turn to be a little bit envious...'  
'Maya, I can't think of anyone else now. This is too important.'  
'I know. I feel the same darling. Let's just make this night about me and you. We can do this.'  
'Yes, Maya. I want this intimacy with you.'  
'I'm glad. I want to know everything about you, all your feelings. I want to talk to you more. Is there anything you want to tell me?'  
'What do you want to know?' There was so much I could tell her, not all of it good.  
'Is there anything you haven't told to anyone else, that you want to share with me?'  
'I can tell you about the night I jumped onto the track if you really want to know. But it's not a pretty story. You will think differently about me if I tell you...'  
'It's up to you Tiffin, but I think I want to know. I know you were in a very dark place. So if you want to tell me I would like to maybe share some of it with you? It will just be between us..'  
Deep breath... I told her my pathetic tale of breaking up with Bonnie in Perth, though I didn't mention her name, it didn't seem right. I told her that I went to see a prostitute for the first and only time in my life and I told her I asked her to pretend to be my sister, to call my name, to say she loved me. I thought she would be disgusted with me, but she wasn't. Then I told her I went to a bridge with the intention of taking my own life, something I denied even to myself. I told her how I climbed up and how the boys had tried to stop me, but seeing the train approach I decided I had to do it and I jumped.  
Maya had tears in her eyes but she wiped them away. She put her arms round me and moved me on top of her.  
'I knew you did it because of me Tiff. I knew it was my fault.'  
'No Maya it was just me. I was too scared to tell you I loved you, but I wasn't scared to use a prostitute or jump from a bridge. I was confused about what was right. I was stupid.'  
Her knees were pressed against my hips as I leant on top of her. I could easily have entered her then. I bent down to kiss her. It was a lovely, eager kiss. I could tell Maya did not judge me, she understood me. I suppose that's why I have always loved her so much. While we kissed Maya raised her hips up to me as if she wanted me right then. I let her brush against me. It was a thrill to sense her need for me.  
'Do you want to use me now Tiffin? Do you want me to be your whore? I will do anything you want me to if you like. I will do and say anything you like.'  
I smiled and kissed her. I could see in this short time we had together she was trying to replace all my bad memories with good ones.  
'Maya you have already done everything I wanted you to do, you have already said everything I could ever have dreamt about you saying. You don't need to be my whore. You have done so much for me as my lover. Maya, you told me to wait, so that's what I'm doing...' I said although my hand did drift to touch her, just once, circling her with my thumb making her gasp. I was very envious of Lochie then, though I didn't mention him to Maya. She was such a sensual lover, so willingly suggesting to take on a fantasy role for me. I don't doubt that she would have been very very good at it. But I didn't need to play any games with her, when all I had was this one last night the reality of having her naked in my arms was enough.  
She whispered 'You are very good at this....I love you Tiff. Whatever happens Tiff, I don't regret anything. Whatever I say to you in the future, wherever we go, whatever we do remember I love you. I won't stop loving you Tiff. I won't be able to, I'm not like that. Will you remember that?'  
'Yes Maya. And I will always love you,' I answered.  
'Yes Tiff. No one else needs to know. That's what is special about incest. I hate that word. But what we have is good exactly because I'm your sister and you are my brother. It will endure separation and the passing of time because of our blood ties. It's nice isn't it? It's meant to be this terrible taboo, but it's not for us. It feels safe. I know I can trust you and you can trust me. We are both adults, this is what we chose and it's absolutely lovely.'  
'Maya...you know what I think. I thought it was the best and you have proved that to me, every time.'  
'So do you think you will manage to get through the whole night without fucking me?'  
'No..'  
'Well at least you are honest. But I want you to wait. And if you wait long enough, if you make me wait long enough for you I promise you it will be so good. And I will put Lochie aside completely just for then. And I will love you more than anyone else in the world, just like you love me. And you and I will always know that.'  
So with that incentive I subdued my physical desire for her as much as I could, while I kissed her and caressed her body. I think we both fell asleep at some point. But whenever we woke we were still in each other's arms. Then one time I woke up and I saw dawn was creeping in to our room. Still we hadn't had sex. I kissed her back and twisted her hair. I gently moved my hips rhythmically against her, she was awake and she took my hand and let me touch the area of her body which she said was forbidden. Then she turned around and felt my hard cock.  
'Well done Tiffin. You lasted the whole night. Did you like it?  
'Yes.  
Are you ready then? This will be the last time we ever make love together. Do you want to do it now?  
'Yes Maya. I'm ready. I love you.'  
'I love you more than anything Tiff. You are so gorgeous, just perfect. You are going to make someone else incredibly happy one day. But now you are all mine.'  
God I loved her. She always knew what to say. She was right. Waiting made it so good. I looked at her then and I held her as I shuffled on the bed. I drew her onto me as I lay on my back and she was prepared to work on me, but that's not what I wanted straightaway. 

'Let me, Maya...' She knew what I meant - her favourite thing was mine too. She sat astride my mouth and lowered herself onto me. I closed my eyes as I explored her with my tongue and lips. I could tell by the pretty little gasps Maya made and the way her body was intermittently startled that she loved it, and so did I. She held my hands and her body rocked. I didn't want it to end. But Maya seemed desperate to have me inside her, and got off me and beckoned me to her, so we could fuck again. What I did to her, what she did to me was beautiful. I took a lot longer than I needed to when I went down on her because I wanted to hear her moan and gasp for me so much. It was such an incredible turn on. I enjoyed every inch of her. I think she felt the same - she'd clearly been desperate for me too, she licked and sucked me so well, I came quickly, which didn't surprise me. I didn't have to rest long before I could enter her again, though she still kept taking me into her mouth, I learnt then it was something she liked to do and she was so good, but she asked me what I liked so it really felt personal. She helped me so that I lasted as long as I could. I thought knowing it was the last time would make it difficult. But it was even better than before, she remembered what I said I liked her to do best so she made it personal, for us. I didn't think she was sacrificing herself for me anymore. I knew how much we both wanted this. I felt for that moment we were just one person too. I knew we would keep that memory forever, because right then we both loved each other more than anyone else in the world. She let me have that. 

I held her for a long time. She wasn't asleep, she looked at me from time to time and smiled. But I know we both had a lot to think about. I think it was then that I asked her when she had started to have feelings like this for me. She said it may have ironically something to do with my long absences. She thought she missed looking after me, but maybe she just missed me. It had been her who had stopped Kit or Willa taking over my old room. She just had to believe I would come back. Then that night I had dealt with dad, she thought she was so emotionally vulnerable that day. Not only had her child been taken from her but the brother she had missed so much had come back. Only I was different. Years had passed and the work I did made me seem older, very masculine, not a boy anymore. I was a different person to the one she had brought up. She couldn't help but be drawn to me. Because I looked like her sexual partner, there was a physical attraction right there. Plus she wanted to keep me with her and the looks and touches I gave her made something move inside her that she didn't expect, but she couldn't deny it either. She said it just felt natural. If she hadn't been with Lochie it would have taken just weeks to be together, because she didn't believe it was wrong. I didn't feel regret about that, how long it had taken, how short our liaison was to be. I just liked the fact that she accepted our love as good, like I did. I felt satisfied that she had feelings for me for so long, it validated my owThen she asked me, did I think she had groomed me? Was there anything she had done or said to make me think of her as a lover not a sister? So I told her that I had more likely pursued her. I was 24 for God's sake. Surely there comes a time when an adult can consent to sex with whom he likes? Well, there should be, I thought. I said I thought she wanted me when we went camping, but she said she wasn't sure, it was more the ordinary things we did together, going out with the kids, working on the house. She said she was probably treating me like a partner rather than a brother. So I asked her about the bikini thing. I swear she blushed.  
'Oh God Tiffin, I was so embarrassed. I was practically begging you to fuck me. I even gave you a time schedule.'  
'I didn't know...I wanted you to be confident, I didn't want you to regret it...'  
'Tiffin, you said my bikini was twisted and I let you undo it. I think my bikini gets twisted every single day. All they are made of are tiny triangles and long long ribbons and ties.'  
'That's what I thought.'  
'And even when you tied it up, I kissed you didn't I?'  
'Yes.'  
'And your hands were everywhere...' she recalled.  
'Yes, they were...' I could picture her still.  
'You did very well to walk away, though I felt awful....' I held onto her, kissed her and caressed her.  
'If you had said... But was it the right thing?' I asked. Perhaps if we had fucked then, in her house, on their bed she could have one to terms with taking me as her lover permanently. But Maya seemed to think differently.  
'That would have been one hour, Tiff,' she said. 'We have had 10 times that already. And I have loved it all.'

After that I remembered what she has said, that she was going to have more children with Lochie. I wished she was already trying for a child, that over these two nights I could have got her pregnant, then he couldn't keep me away. There would be no way of knowing if the child was mine or his. They couldn't do DNA tests. Even if the child looked exactly like Lochie, it could be mine, because we were the same. Maya hadn't asked once about using condoms. Even though she knew how promiscuous I had been she trusted me completely with her body. Maybe that's why she had talked about children with me. She said having children with Lochie had made him realise his love for her was good. I stroked my hand over her stomach thinking about it. Of course she knew what I was thinking. She took my hand and kissed it.  
'I'd love that too Tiff. I really would. You would be such a lovely father. I know how much you would dote on a baby if we had one. If it was just you and me I would have a baby with you straight away, so there would be a perfect little representation of our love.'  
'God Maya, you know I would love that. He couldn't keep me from you then.'  
She stroked my face. 'I couldn't do it to him, Tiff. You should know that it hasn't happened. That's not what we have done. The only possible way he will forgive me is if I can show him how I want to devote myself to him completely. Having a baby with him will help show him that. You will be a wonderful father one day but not with me. Besides you aren't like Lochie, I can tell you don't doubt what we have done is right. You have more confidence because he was only 18, and I think because of what mum wanted to do..'  
'Yes, Maya. I know it's not for us. It was just a dream, for a moment it was a lovely dream.'  
'And that's okay Tiffin. I know we aren't like other people. It's alright to want what you want but I can't give it to you.'  
'That's fine, Maya. You have given me so much.'  
'Have I done everything you wanted?' She asked.  
Maybe I misread the signs, maybe I misread the way her hands stroked by naked buttocks.  
'You want me to?' I asked.  
She knew what I meant.'I never have, and unless you do it to me I never will.Lochie doesn't want to.'  
'Have you asked him?'I don't know why I was concerned. I started rubbing Maya, and circled her anus with my finger.  
'We tried years ago, in England, but I think he rushed it. And now he told me he doesn't want to.'  
'Is it something religious with him?'  
'I think so....or maybe he just wants to draw a line because I'm his sister, I think that's it because we talk so well, but not about that.'  
'Okay, well if it's something you want I can try for you?'  
''Yes'  
'We haven't got any lube so you are really going to have to want this.... '  
' I do...'  
'Okay, look I'm big but I've done this before so I know it's going to be fine. It won't hurt but you can tell me to stop.' I had already slipped one wet finger into her anus as she rocked into me. I tried two. I kissed her neck. She seemed to like it.i could tell she trusted me. I spat into my hand and made my cock as slippery as I could. I didn't need her to suck me I was very hard with the thought of having anal sex with her. With the thought of doing something she wanted,msomething that Lochie had never done with her.  
'I love you,' I murmured as I inched into her as she lay on her side. She gasped but it seemed to be in pleasure. I knew not to push in and pull out too much though my instinct was to do that. One of my hands played with her pussy to relax her, the other I used to guide me in. It was fantastic like it always is. I was more than half way and Maya was moving with me, the best way. I let her take control and got deeper inside.  
'Are you okay...?'  
'Yes, yes, I like it, but I don't think I can take much more...'  
'You're doing very well Maya, you feel great.....I love it...have you had enough?'  
'No,money, I just mean....oh god..,'  
'Are you okay?'  
'God, yes....ah!'  
With her cries of pleasure I came inside her and very slowly withdrew myself.  
'Was that alright..?? I asked  
She laughed. 'Yes, honey ...it was strange but I liked it...I thought I might come.'  
'Well you can...but not with me Maya....we have done it now... '  
'Yes, thank you Tiff... I have always wanted to know...now I do.'  
We kissed and she turned her back to me so I could embrace her, the woman I knew I could never have again.

We must have drifted off to sleep again, we had been so energetic in that last hour or so. I had to wake Maya up.  
'Maya, Maya....I think the kids are up... I've got no clothes here...what do I do?'  
Maya just laughed.  
'It's okay... They are just kids. They won't think any thing's strange.' She kissed me and put on her gold slip. She looked so serene and calm.  
'Wait here...'  
I heard her talk to Freya and Aran who thankfully had only got so far as the living room. It seemed to take an age before Maya threw some shorts into the room and I had just got them on when the kids came running in to the room and jumped into bed with me.  
Maya got in to bed with us too and we just laughed and chatted. I knew Maya was just trying to show me all the different aspects of love that were open to me now. She had always wanted me to settle down, because I guess that's what I wanted too. And she knew I was good with her children because I wanted that kind of family life for myself too, the kind of life I had when she and Lochie were always there for me. I guess I was quite young to want all that but they had taught me the importance of that growing up. I think I understood a lot about myself now.  
Maya told the kids their breakfast was on the table, and she had to get dressed for work. I was going to leave, but she asked me to stay.  
'Today's going to be difficult for me, Tiff, but I had a lovely night with you,' she said as she brushed her hair.  
'I know Maya. I understand. I loved just being with you. I will take you to the airport after work but I will find somewhere to stay in Cairns or maybe I will go and see Willa or Kit.'  
'Thank you Tiff. You have to let me know where you are. And whatever happens I will call you. I don't want things to be awkward between us.'  
'Maya, I think it will be for a bit, when you tell Lochie, when I can't be with you. When you know how I feel...'  
'Yes Tiff...I guess you are right. It's not going to be easy...'  
'Well I hope things are okay for you...and Lochie. You have an early flight don't you? I will get this place packed up in the day and bring the kids to you after work then?'  
'You are brilliant Tiff.'  
I went over to her and kissed her. 'You know how I feel about you' I said.  
As I turned she took my hand and stood up. 'And I feel the same about you,' she told me, and she let me kiss her in a way I knew she would never let me kiss her again.  
And though I did go with her to the airport later that day, that is is really how I remember we said goodbye.


End file.
